RIGOR MORTIS SHUFFLE

SPRING CLEANING DEALS

2012-01-26T07:53:00.003-05:00

It's 0°F outside right now. I need to clean out my closet to make way for two new releases coming down the pipe.
What does that mean? SPECIAL DEALS FOR YOU, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

DEAL #1 $30 (retail, $42)
All the tape releases still in print

SILENCE=DEATH various artists, int'l queer noise comp
ROMAN GHOSTS fire island, AK (2x cass)
Prakhurz dhak dushatar Uruk-hai-ob fire island, AK
Albert Fish T. Boettner
Dweller on the Threshold Voltaic Omen / fire island, AK split
Where is This + fire island, AK collaboration
Trench Foot and Mouth fire island, AK
After Many A Summer Dies The Swan fire island, AK

DEAL #2 $8 (retail, $10)
All the CDr releases still in print

Horns For Maldoror fire island, AK
Slave fire island, AK

DEAL #3 $40 (retail, $52)
EVERYTHING, PLUS GOODIES

A Distant Choir Made of Professional Mourners

2011-07-22T03:07:00.002-04:00

MIXTAPE

01. Climax Denial, "My Girl's Smile"
02. Moby, "My Weakness"
03. Balam Acab, "Big Boy"
04. Oneohtrix Point Never, "Ouroboros"
05. Gustav Mahler, "Symphony N°5 in C#m, IV. Adagietto"
06. Coil, "Chaostrophy (demo)"
07. Salem, "9oi"
08. Death In June, "Winter Eagle"
09. Current 93, "Patripassian"
10. Fushitsusha, "Hermitage"
11. Prurient, "Tormented With Fire"
12. Jocelyn Pook, "Masked Ball"
13. Arvo Pärt, "Trisagion"
14. Nijumu, "Era of Sad Wings 1"
15. Pauline Oliveros, "Ione"
16. Scott Walker, "Light"
17. Hans Zimmer, "Time"
18. Éric Satie, "Gymnopedie No. 1"

#KeepItWeird

2011-04-02T02:45:00.002-04:00

MONTANA

2011-03-25T23:16:00.004-04:00

2011-03-06T15:31:00.004-05:00

"live between divine pardon and your own torment."
- Theophanes the Greek, Andrei Rublev (Tarkovsky, 1966)

God is merciful and, surely can forgive my transgressions and anger.
If Christ can die for the sins of all mankind, I can suffer towards helping one person.
In as much as I love, surely I can suffer in the work of salvation.

"But when he knows that he is not only worse than all those in the world, but is also guilty before all people, on behalf of all and for all, for all human sins, the world's and each person's, only then will the goal of our unity be achieved. [...] Only then will our hearts be moved to a love that is infinite, universal, and knows no satiety."- Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov (4.1.2)

click for high quality

2011-02-12T11:37:00.000-05:00

"Get Rough" (2011, collage)

KIDS

2011-02-05T12:28:00.001-05:00

SILENCE = DEATH (c100, 2011)

2011-02-02T13:31:00.004-05:00

various artists c100
18 artists from USA, Canada, Israel, Ireland, France, Denmark, Netherlands, Czech Rep., and Norway
this is the sound of queer noise circa 2011
limited to 100 copies, INTERNATIONAL ORDERS HERE

click for high-quality

2011-01-29T23:39:00.001-05:00

"Last Day" (2011, collage)

2011-01-28T08:52:00.002-05:00

“We are in East Alexandria. Immediately after prayer, the people came out of mosque with banners and started marching, shouting ‘we are peaceful, we are peaceful’. Security arrived and immediately began shooting teargas and rubber bullets at peaceful protesters, about 600. Then one-hour rock throwing clash, but police didn’t advance more than one block and kept being pushed back. Then a massive column of protesters came from the other direction and blocked in police, holding up their hands and shouting we are peaceful. Right now police is held up in the yard of mosque and protesters all around, police can’t move. They repeatedly ran out of teargas and begged protesters to stop, protesters telling them to join them.”

12.59pm: In another extraordinary audio report Jack Shenker in Cairo reports on signs that the police are siding with the protesters. He saw a senior police officer discard a teargas canister to signal to protesters that he was on their side. Will the regime fall he asked a state journalist. “It’s already falling, it can’t stop,” Jack was told.

2011-01-20T12:08:00.003-05:00

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GlassGiant.com

SINS OF THE FATHER (2011, collage)

2011-01-19T20:16:00.001-05:00

2011-01-16T15:38:00.001-05:00

"The Very Heart of the World" (2011, digital)

(click image to view high-quality)

2011-01-16T14:41:00.003-05:00

"51 Days" (2011, collage)

"Have You Ever Felt Trapped By Others' Expectations of What You Should Like and How You Should Act and Who You Should Be?" (2010, collage)

"Self-Portrait (self-conscious)" (2011, collage)

"untitled (small piece n°1)" (2011, collage)

"untitled (swimmers)" (2011, collage)

PISS SERIES (1-6)

2011-01-15T16:22:00.003-05:00

i first came up with the idea for this series of digital images after previously working with the color gradients generated on digital typeface; when you zoom in on an image, even black text on a white background, at a certain point, you discover that the shading effects utilized by most modern websites and programs, are in fact combinations of color gradients which, on the 1x level, appear to merely be digital shadows.

i find porn to be interesting, not sexually but, as an expression of repressed sociological neuroses. pornography is how industrialized, western society works out our mommy/daddy/intimacy issues. childrens' cartoons are full of violence but, full frontal nudity is "adult," even though everyone has a body of some type, shape, form. if you further extrapolate away from heteronormative behaviour, you find less and less examples of intimacy, or even expression; queer arts are very often relegated to queer ghettos. (i would go so far as to argue that you can find better non-heterosexual porn easier than you can find a decent non-heterosexual centered film or book)

... but what lies within pornographic imagery? when an image is exploded into a slurred wash of colors, rather than explicit sexual depiction, does the image lose its objectionability? the image as a whole is still the same; it is only our perception of the image that has changed.

15 JAN 2011

(click images to view full-size, 2000x2000 px)

Dostoevsky in Anchorage

2011-01-05T08:35:00.004-05:00

A dark place
in a man's life,
and the place
where there are many men
falls into sixteen shades
of black.

The continual haunting
of the fathomless abyss
of youth,
an impassable abyss,
horror on all sides!

portions adapted from DEMONS by Fyodor Dostoevsky and "Fathomless Abyss of Youth" by The Moon Knights (L.Smiley, 2010)

the Jester as Victim

2010-12-28T21:53:00.000-05:00

PAR†Y 4 3V/\

2010-12-24T21:13:00.005-05:00

ONE DAY THESE KIDS

2010-12-21T20:28:00.009-05:00

01. "One Day This Kid" (David Wojnarowicz)

02. "Fever" (Thomas Boettner)

DOWNLOAD

FEVER

2010-12-14T22:48:00.006-05:00

I. (for S.B.)

I have a fucking fever.
I have a fire in my belly.
I have a fucking flame in the back of my eyes
and I taste blood
and I spit blood
and I gasp
and a bloodbubble pops from my lips
and I run my tongue
across my teeth,
my canines,
and I imagine them
on your neck
on your wrist
on your collarbone
and I imagine your tongue
in my mouth
in my ass
on my chest
wrapped around my cock
and I think of all the words
that would spill from our mouths
and mix
like spit
and lube
and sweat.

II.

I didn't ask to be born into this war. I didn't ask anyone to birth me, drop me into a fucking warzone, and then scold me for firing at the enemy.
Mom, Dad: how fucking complicit you have been in my murder! How complicit you have been in the assassinations and attempted assassinations of my friends, my lovers, my heroes. The two of you fucked, you wanted a child to have, you had your selfish reasons, and you mixed your genes and created this fucking monster. Your genes made this thing that you revile. You put this sorrow into me with your sex, and then told me:

"You have a mental illness."
"You'll go to hell."
"You're only looking for someone to affirm your sickness."
"You suffer from a mental defect."
"Who knows what deviancy you get into."
"You're sick."

and on and on and on.
I have this hunger, and I looked. I looked to get the same fucking thing that surrounded me: on television, on magazine and book covers, in newspapers, in tabloids, in movies and on movie posters, in cartoons, on the street corner, in the classroom, in stores, in restaurants, in cafes, on college campuses, in museums, at concerts, in bars. Look at all these people: holding hands, laughing, kissing, building lives, shoving their affection in my face, and that day we saw two young gay guys at Ingles, just this year, and they were holding hands, and goddammit, Dad, you were so offended that they had to "shove their disease in everyone's face like that," like you fucking know what it's like to be hated for loving (thanks, Moz), like you have any idea, you who tells me to "be on the lookout for loose women to take advantage of what they're offering." You act like their desire to just be together is some attack on you.
...and the first person who showed me that, who caressed my 15-year-old cheek, and kissed me on a stone bridge under a full moon in December, was separated from me by force; you sent me to the doctor and said "fix him;" fix me because I want affection (née love), fix me because I want my share of what's going around, fix me because my desires are not your desires and are therefore wrong.
Your private investigators and fabricated online accounts and keyloggers and hacked email accounts and tapped phonecalls and scrutinized phone bills and physical threats and material trappings, and I'm still in love, I still have someone in my life who loves me. Somehow, even after all your verbal stoning, after the years of your mental torture, somehow I'm still not so broken as to be unattractive. If you knew, what lengths you would go to, to keep me in this cage, to keep me in this materialist prison, to keep me afraid, to keep your image clean, your reputation safe, your Norman Fucking Rockwell hologram in place?
I've thought about how easy it would be to kill you, both of you. I could take my .22 and do you both in. I could do it, so easily, and you're either so naïve or stupid or arrogant to have given me a gun, because I know you don't know me that well; you don't know my ethics or my beliefs. You don't know my heart, though you claim so loudly to my sickness.
What saves you, and you'll never thank me, is that I can't give you my life. I can't give up anymore of my happiness to you. I can't remain silent anymore, for you.

SOUTHERN DISCOMFORT (2x cass, 2011)

2010-12-11T00:19:00.012-05:00

"I just dug up Southern Discomfort, which must've been thrown in somewhere illogical last time I moved or something. Point is: dude, sounded great. Played it between Darksmith and Mimaroglu (I think... something like that, I dunno), and it held up just as well." -- Dustin Krcatovich, FM Dust

fire island, AK - SOUTHERN DISCOMFORT (2x cass) $12
So sick of this town.
Heather's still in the woods near Burkittsville, MD.
Dale and Laura are still in the Black Lodge.

Matte photograph artwork on reel-to-reel tape box.
Two cassettes (black + white), insert, limited edition of 22.
Hand-numbered, $12
ATTN: if you live outside of the US, contact first for shipping rates

BES† MVSIC OF 2KDIME

2010-12-09T10:27:00.012-05:00

DISCLAIMER: My "best of" release is nowhere near in-depth.
If anything, this year's list suffers from schizophrenia, elitism, and hipsterism.

(in no order)

KING NIGHT by Salem (IAmSound)
I don't know what that guy over at Tiny Mix Tapes was talking about when he
said "the replay value here is scant," because I've been listening to this album
on repeat since before it officially dropped. Don't worry, I bought the CD and
vinyl. Having said that, Salem has easily become my go-to band. Party? Salem.
Drunk? Salem. Stoned? Salem. Depressed? Salem. Sex? Salem.
I'm no expert on "witch house" (which arguably Salem is / not) but, they've
certainly created a sound with few peers and many imitators. I can't get
enough of this album. On one hand, John was interviewed in BUTT Magazine,
which would seem to make them a niche band right out of the gate. On the other
hand, Todd Pendu proved to the world that Salem can be just as good live as they
are on record. I feel like everyone spent 2008-2009 debating on whether or not Salem
was real or authentic. Suddenly they're the best thing ever. Which is true.
I'm biased. My boyfriend went to high school with Heather. The first time I heard
King Night front to back, we were having sex after our first official dinner-date.
WHATEVER. I fucking love this album, by far one of the year's best. It's dark ("Sick"),
it's totally gorgeous ("King Night"), it's funny ("Trapdoor"), and it's totally fucking
heart-wrenching ("Finna").

THE CULT OF YELLOW TEARS by Yellow Tears (Hospital Productions)
I already loved Yellow Tears before this newest release came out but, this only
cements my rabid devotion to this trio of total freaks. Let me preface the following
paragraph: what follows will be sexually explicit.
Yellow Tears have been pulling the same strings as most noise musicians: loops
from porno and horror movies, mentioning degradation, humiliation, gags, whips, abuse.
However, there's always been an implied interest in urolangia. Maybe I only thought
that because the idea of being pissed upon by my boyfriend is one of the most arousing
ideas to ever worm through my creepy brain. POINT BEING: The Cult Of Yellow Tears
uses the sounds of Yellow Tears pissing in bowls, gargling their piss, gagging, splashing around.
This 7" + cassette box is essentially the most erotic piece of audio I have ever come across
(only because my man and I don't do phonesex). Plus, as I've already told Dom
(or whoever answered the emails), this is one of the most intricate releases I've ever been
lucky enough to get my hands on from Hospital. The 7" and tape come in a reel-to-reel box,
plus a piece of a towel (I thought it was medical gauze but, someone on Discogs corrected
that mistake), twenty-three color photos of the recording / creation process, liner notes,
and the whole thing is hand-signed and numbered by Yellow Tears.

NEW LOVE by Former Ghosts (Upset! The Rhythm)
...and moving right along, we have a release that's so emotionally up-front you can't
help but love the damn thing.
So, if you don't know, Former Ghosts is Freddy Ruppert (This Song Is A Mess
But So Am I), Nika Roza (Zola Jesus), Jamie Stewart (Xiu Xiu), and sometimes
Yasmine Kittles (Tearist).
This is an album of love songs, and I mean the sort you'd hear on the radio.
"Don't break my heart" love songs. Straight-forward, no bullshit. The difference is
that everyone in this band is in so many other incredible projects that the music is
too good for conventional radio.
Buy this LP, then go out and by last year's Fleurs too.
Get a bottle of red wine, put them on, get lost.

DEAR GOD, I HATE MYSELF by Xiu Xiu (Kill Rock Stars)
This may be Xiu Xiu's best album, not necessarily in the sense of their strongest
work but, Jamie Stewart has managed to distill the pop song mentality with noise
flourishes and traumatic content into a purified essence with this album. I feel like
this is the most "Xiu Xiu" of Xiu Xiu albums.
I'm still bummed that the show I was going to open for them on got canceled; of
course that was their only show in South Carolina this year.

BLUE WATER WHITE DEATH by Blue Water White Death (Graveface)
2010 has been a good year, personally, creatively, and because Jamie Stewart
has been all over it musically. I wasn't familiar with Shearwater / Jonathan Meiburg
prior to this collaboration but, I'm glad I discovered him (thank you, Jamie Stewart).
A few reviews of this album seemed to find the work "unfocused" and "tentative" but,
I happen to think that this work is exactly as tenuous and soft-spoken as need be.
This is how I imagine Jamie Stewart solo shows sound. This is perfect music for long,
lonely drives. This is great music for driving home from the bar at 3am, wishing you
were going home to your boyfriend but, instead you're going to your small bedroom in
your parents' house to climb into your bed which always seems so big and empty and
cold. That's not to say that this album is sentimental or emotional. If anything, it's that
quiet restraint that you learn as a survival mechanism; this album is all about risks, not
big, showy ones, but rather small, important ones.

777 by Tonetta (Black Tent Press)
I only found Tonetta because a friend happened to recommend this "Youtube artist"
to me. I had no idea what he meant, having never heard or seen Tonetta previously.
Chances are, you haven't either. Please, take some time to enjoy these quaint,
intimate performances.
The easiest way to explain Tonetta to the uniformed is: remember Buffalo Bill from
Silence Of The Lambs? Well, if instead of skinning women and listening to Q Lazzarus,
Tonetta writes countless songs and makes homemade music videos for the world to see.
Thanks to Black Tent Press, you can now own Tonetta on high-quality vinyl.
Oh, what a world that has such people in it!

ONE MUST DIE by The Moon Knights (self-released, download)
I think a lot of people could say The Moon Knights play twee, or lo-fi, or some sort
of Beat Happening take-off. In a sense, that's true but, knowing Lester somewhat
personally, I think I can safely call The Moon Knights "West Coast Ghost-Bun(ny) Pop."
Anyway, this album is amazing, seriously. This is what "indie" will forever be in my mind
and heart, before The Strokes and The Hives and all the rest of the early-00 bands turned
an ideology into a sound.
Download this, burn copies, share.

WOLF EYES / FACENECK split 10" (Faceneck)
Much like the good chaps over at Mimaroglu, I can't really tell which side of
this 10" is which either.
That being said, this is a great 10" for fans of Wolf Eyes. One side is a heavy-hitter.
The other is a creaky burner, similar to some of Nate Young's solo work as Regression.
I don't know which side is which but, they're both great.
The price is a little steep but hey, the thing comes from Belgium. Pony up, music-lovers.

WOLF EYES / PRURIENT split 7"(Musikzimmer)
Two of my all-time favorite masters of noise put out a 7" on an obscure German label.
Hard to find? Well, yes and no. Depends on whether or not you're willing to pay €
compared $. Still, the Wolf Eyes side is a solid jam, starting in a slow burn and ending
in a frenzied collapse. Prurient's side recalls parts of Black Post Society, high-end wail,
tortured vocals, absolute angst. I love this 7", and it is gorgeously printed as well.

BELUS by Burzum (Byelobog / Back On Black)
Is this Varg's best work? No, not by far. However, this is his first album with guitars
since Filosofem in 1996 (which was recorded in 1993). True Norwegian Black Metal?
Yes!
Really, any time a Burzum album comes out, we should all rejoice.

BIRTH OF AN OLDER, MUCH MORE UGLY CHRIST by Relay For Death (Hanson Records)
Aaron Dilloway gives a far better review of this album than I could ever hope to:

"This shit is DARK... and I'm not talking about some fucking 'I sleep during the day' dark...I'm not talking some 'Cannibal Corpse shit - I'm a fucking mutilator' dark....And I'm not talking 'I'm a noise dude into black metal' dark... I'm talking total fucking END OF THE WORLD shit...like...everyone is going to die and it's gonna be fucking TERRIBLE.

Recorded in 2009 by sisters Roxann and Rachal Spikula while in a hospital doing some fucked up health study where all they could drink was Shasta for like 2 months. NO JOKE! Master tape arrived wrapped in a duct taped hospital gown with my address written on it in sharpie.

Side A: The tape becomes unpaused and kicks in with a menacing organ drone that mutates into the lo-fi skree of an empty room, eventually becoming a swirling abyss of tape hiss and the sound of nothing happening in a hospital... Distant creaks, buzz, and hums littered with hiss and garbage sound layered into a very unsettling frenzied drone.

Side B: A crunchy noise inferno that eventually leads us to what sounds to me like being in outer space watching the earth exploding. As you watch everything we know of destroyed, a saddening descending synth wave appears, buried by blasts of destroyed earth. It ends... and you are disturbed.

Limited to 300 copies. Pitch black vinyl with pitch black labels. Heavy duty black and silver silkscreened covers with the 'Hanson Droll Flaps'

Take a break from yer most recent mediocre synth bliss out tape and take a trip back to the real fucking world...where everything fucking SUCKS."

CANNIBAL by Ke$ha (RCA)
Yes, I like Ke$ha. I finally started to understand what my aversion to pop music was:
I was expecting too much. Pop isn't about explaining the esoteric workings of a 14th
century Gnostic text. Pop isn't about a body dead in a boat. Pop is about partying.
I guess Andrew WK gets some of the credit for this discovery since, on numerous occasions,
I have been heard to say "Andrew WK and Ke$ha should go on tour together!" I still think that's
a great idea; tell me you wouldn't go see that show.
So yes. Ke$ha just wants to party. Is Ke$ha trying to be a serious artist? No. She's a party-girl
pop-star. I haven't seen her try and pull any pretentious bullshit to back her own claims of being
a "serious artist." Nope. Ke$ha wants to make out with boys, drink, and have a good time.
Well shit! That's what I want to do, too!
Drop into the mix seriously incredibly songs like "We R Who We R" (she must have 2,000 producers
and they're all GODS), "Cannibal" (cannibalism isn't an extended metaphor for infatuation, she's
singing about fucking dismembering and eating dudes), and "The Harold Song" (I almost cry like a
little girl when I hear this song, oh my god).
The weird thing about Ke$ha is that some of my other friends, who like her also, happen to be really into
literary theory, art, Georges Bataille, politics, etc. Contrary to my dad's claims, Ke$ha isn't something
for thirteen-year-old girls.

$0$ by Die Antwoord (Cheerytree / Interscope)
For a short period of time I ignored Die Antwoord as an internet meme taken too far. I kept
waiting for the joke to end, for this "fake band" to outlive its comedy value. The problem is
that, like a lot of other people, Die Antwoord aren't a joke, though they love to.
I had heard a few of their tracks, "Enter The Ninja" and "Beat Boy" spring to mind, but it
wasn't until I heard all of $0$ in the back of a car, en route to Fairbanks, AK from Anchorage,
that I really got into Die Antwoord. They're clever, talented individuals with a clear aesthetic.
Maybe this is Hip(ster)-Hop, or maybe they really are incredible. I don't really care either way.
"Evil Boy" alone wins Video Of The Year in my book.

/\/0† \/\/H3R3 | \/\/4/\/† 2B

2010-12-08T22:59:00.001-05:00

NEW MIXTAPE DOWNLOAD

WE MAKE OUT A LOT (digital collage, 2010)

2010-12-07T12:18:00.001-05:00

MIXTAPE (fire island, AK)

2010-11-30T11:42:00.003-05:00

DOWNLOAD .MP3

Dead Can Dance, "Ascension" (Spleen and Ideal, 1986)
Charles Manson and the Family, "I'll Never Say Never To Always" (Lie: The Love and Terror Cult, 1970)
John Foxx, "Underpass" (Metamatic, 1980)
Morrissey, "Everyday Is Like Sunday" (Viva Hate, 1988)
Popul Vuh, "Wehe Khorazin" (Sei still, wisse ICH BIN: Szenische Gesänge, 1981)
Merzbow + Jamie Saft, "Visions of Irie" (Merzdub, 2006)

Y3LL0\/\/ †34R5

2010-11-29T15:38:00.004-05:00

P|6

2010-11-27T01:07:00.002-05:00

D3X†3R4 D0M1N1

2010-11-26T17:44:00.004-05:00

BF 4 LYF3

2010-11-25T20:58:00.002-05:00

3:03 PM I can't wait to get obsessed about what we look like naked together
3:04 PM like photo-shoot style

DR34M5

2010-11-25T10:54:00.005-05:00

Why Is Innocence Not Proof Enough?

2010-11-21T21:54:00.002-05:00

synes†hesia

2010-11-19T14:26:00.012-05:00

11.10.10 en route to Fairbanks in the backseat, my boyfriend's head on my shoulder 15.10.10 King Night on in the background, making love for the first time 18.11.10 reciprocally, madly in love

yours / mine / ours

2010-11-13T16:09:00.004-05:00

God, the ruler of the aeons and the powers, divided us in wrath

2010-10-28T14:45:00.001-04:00

The revelation which Adam taught his son Seth in the seven hundreth year, saying:

Listen to my words, my son Seth. When God had created me out of the earth, along with Eve, your mother, I went about with her in a glory which she had seen in the aeon from which we had come forth. She taught me a word of knowledge of the eternal God. And we resembled the great eternal angels, for we were higher than the god who had created us and the powers with him, whom we did not know.

Then God, the ruler of the aeons and the powers, divided us in wrath. Then we became two aeons. And the glory in our heart(s) left us, me and your mother Eve, along with the first knowledge that breathed within us. And it (glory) fled from us; it entered into [...] great [...] which had come forth, not from this aeon from which we had come forth, I and Eve your mother. But it (knowledge) entered into the seed of great aeons. For this reason I myself have called you by the name of that man who is the seed of the great generation or from whom (it comes). After those days, the eternal knowledge of the God of truth withdrew from me and your mother Eve. Since that time, we learned about dead things, like men. Then we recognized the God who had created us. For we were not strangers to his powers. And we served him in fear and slavery. And after these things, we became darkened in our heart(s). Now I slept in the thought of my heart.

And I saw three men before me whose likeness I was unable to recognize, since they were not the powers of the God who had created us. They surpassed [...] glory, and [...] men [...] saying to me, "Arise, Adam, from the sleep of death, and hear about the aeon and the seed of that man to whom life has come, who came from you and from Eve, your wife."

When I had heard these words from the great men who were standing before me, then we sighed, I and Eve, in our heart(s). And the Lord, the God who had created us, stood before us. He said to us, "Adam, why were you (both) sighing in your hearts? Do you not know that I am the God who created you? And I breathed into you a spirit of life as a living soul." Then darkness came upon our eyes.

Then the God who created us, created a son from himself and Eve, your mother. I knew sweet desire for your mother, for [...] in the thought of my [...] I knew a sweet desire for your mother. Then the vigor of our eternal knowledge was destroyed in us, and weakness pursued us. Therefore the days of our life became few. For I knew that I had come under the authority of death.

Now then, my son Seth, I will reveal to you the things which those men whom I saw before me at first revealed to me: after I have completed the times of this generation and the years of the generation have been accomplished, then [...] slave [...]. (p.68 blank)

For rain-showers of God the almighty will be poured forth, so that he might destroy all flesh [of God the almighty, so that he might destroy all flesh] from the earth on account of the things that it seeks after, along with those from the seed of the men to whom passed the life of the knowledge which came from me and Eve, your mother. For they were strangers to him. Afterwards, great angels will come on high clouds, who will bring those men into the place where the spirit of life dwells [...] glory [...] there, [...] come from heaven to earth. Then the whole multitude of flesh will be left behind in the waters.

Then God will rest from his wrath. And he will cast his power upon the waters, and he will give power to his sons and their wives by means of the ark along with the animals, whichever he pleased, and the birds of heaven, which he called and released upon the earth. And God will say to Noah - whom the generations will call 'Deucalion' - "Behold, I have protected in the ark, along with your wife and your sons and their wives and their animals and the birds of heaven, which you called and released upon the earth. Therefore I will give the earth to you - you and your sons. In kingly fashion you will rule over it - you and your sons. And no seed will come from you of the men who will not stand in my presence in another glory."

Then they will become as the cloud of the great light. Those men will come who have been cast forth from the knowledge of the great aeons and the angels. They will stand before Noah and the aeons. And God will say to Noah, "Why have you departed from what I told you? You have created another generation so that you might scorn my power." Then Noah will say, "I shall testify before your might that the generation of these men did not come from me nor from my sons. [...] knowledge.

And he will [...] those men and bring them into their proper land, and build them a holy dwelling place. And they will be called by that name and dwell there six hundred years in a knowledge of imperishability. And the angels of the great Light will dwell with them. No foul deed will dwell in their heart(s), but only the knowledge of God.

Then Noah will divide the whole earth among his sons, Ham and Japheth and Shem. He will say to them, "My sons, listen to my words. Behold, I have divided the earth among you. But serve him in fear and slavery all the days of your life. Let not your seed depart from the face of God the Almighty. [...] I and your [...] son of Noah, "My seed will be pleasing before you and before your power. Seal it by your strong hand, with fear and commandment, so that the whole seed which came forth from me may not be inclined away from you and God the Almighty, but it will serve in humility and fear of its knowledge."

Then others from the seed of Ham and Japheth will come, four hundred thousand men, and enter into another land and sojourn with those men who came forth from the great eternal knowledge. For the shadow of their power will protect those who have sojourned with them from every evil thing and every unclean desire. Then the seed of Ham and Japheth will form twelve kingdoms, and their seed also will enter into the kingdom of another people.

Then [...] will take counsel [...] who are dead, of the great aeons of imperishability. And they will go to Sakla, their God. They will go in to the powers, accusing the great men who are in their glory.

They will say to Sakla, "What is the power of these men who stood in your presence, who were taken from the seed of Ham and Japheth, who will number four hundred men? They have been received into another aeonfrom which they had come forth, and they have overturned all the glory of your power and the dominion of your hand. For the seed of Noah through his sons has done all your will, and (so have) all the powers in the aeons over which your might rules, while both those men and the ones who are sojourners in their glory have not done your will. But they have turned (aside) your whole throng."

Then the god of the aeons will give them (some) of those who serve him [...]. They will come upon that land where the great men will be who have not been defiled, nor will be defiled, by any desire. For their soul did not come from a defiled hand, but it came from a great commandment of an eternal angel. Then fire and sulphur and asphalt will be cast upon those men, and fire and (blinding) mist will come over those aeons, and the eyes of the powers of the illuminators will be darkened, and the aeons will not see them in those days. And great clouds of light will descend, and other clouds of light will come down upon them from the great aeons.

Abrasax and Sablo and Gamaliel will descend and bring those men out of the fire and the wrath, and take them above the aeons and the rulers of the powers, and take them away [...] of life [...] and take them away [...] aeons [...] dwelling place of the great [...] there, with the holy angels and the aeons. The men will be like those angels, for they are not strangers to them. But they work in the imperishable seed.

Once again, for the third time, the illuminator of knowledge will pass by in great glory, in order to leave (something) of the seed of Noah and the sons of Ham and Japheth - to leave for himself fruit-bearing trees. And he will redeem their souls from the day of death. For the whole creation that came from the dead earth will be under the authority of death. But those who reflect upon the knowledge of the eternal God in their heart(s) will not perish. For they have not received spirit from this kingdom alone, but they have received (it) from a [...] eternal angel. [...] illuminator [...] will come upon [...] that is dead [...] of Seth. And he will perform signs and wonders in order to scorn the powers and their ruler.

Then the god of the powers will be disturbed, saying, "What is the power of this man who is higher than we?" Then he will arouse a great wrath against that man. And the glory will withdraw and dwell in holy houses which it has chosen for itself. And the powers will not see it with their eyes, nor will they see the illuminator either. Then they will punish the flesh of the man upon whom the holy spirit came.

Then the angels and all the generations of the powers will use the name in error, asking, "Where did it (the error) come from?" or "Where did the words of deception, which all the powers have failed to discover, come from?"

Now the first kingdom says of him that he came from [...]. A spirit [...] to heaven. He was nourished in the heavens. He received the glory of that one and the power. He came to the bosom of his mother. And thus he came to the water.

And the second kingdom says about him that he came from a great prophet. And a bird came, took the child who was born, and brought him onto a high mountain. And he was nourished by the bird of heaven. An angel came forth there. He said to him "Arise! God has given glory to you." He received glory and strength. And thus he came to the water.

The third kingdom says of him that he came from a virgin womb. He was cast out of his city, he and his mother. He was brought to a desert place. He was nourished there. He came and received glory and strength. And thus he came to the water.

The fourth kingdom says of him that he came from a virgin. [...] Solomon sought her, he and Phersalo and Sauel and his armies, which had been sent out. Solomon himself sent his army of demons to seek out the virgin. And they did not find the one whom they sought, but the virgin who was given them. It was she whom they fetched. Solomon took her. The virgin became pregnant and gave birth to the child there. She nourished him on a border of the desert. When he had been nourished, he received glory and power from the seed from which he was begotten. And thus he came to the water.

And the fifth kingdom says of him that he came from a drop from heaven. He was thrown into the sea. The abyss received him, gave birth to him, and brought him to heaven. He received glory and power. And thus he came to the water.

And the sixth kingdom says that [...] down to the aeonwhich is below, in order to gather flowers. She became pregnant from the desire of the flowers. She gave birth to him in that place. The angels of the flower garden nourished him. He received glory there, and power. And thus he came to the water.

And the seventh kingdom says of him that he is a drop. It came from heaven to earth. Dragons brought him down to caves. He became a child. A spirit came upon him and brought him on high to the place where the drop had come forth. He received glory and power there. And thus he came to the water.

And the eighth kingdom says of him that a cloud came upon the earth and enveloped a rock. He came from it. The angels who were above the cloud nourished him. He received glory and power there. And thus he came to the water.

And the ninth kingdom says of him that from the nine Muses one separated away. She came to a high mountain and spent (some) time seated there, so that she desired herself alone in order to become androgynous. She fulfilled her desire and became pregnant from her desire. He was born. The angels who were over the desire nourished him. And he received glory there, and power. And thus he came to the water.

The tenth kingdom says of him that his god loved a cloud of desire. He begot him in his hand and cast upon the cloud above him (some) of the drop, and he was born. He received glory and power there. And thus he came to the water.

And the eleventh kingdom says that the father desired his own daughter. She herself became pregnant from her father. She cast [...] tomb out in the desert. The angel nourished him there. And thus he came to the water.

The twelfth kingdom says of him that he came from two illuminators. He was nourished there. He received glory and power. And thus he came to the water.

And the thirteenth kingdom says of him that every birth of their ruler is a word. And this word received a mandate there. He received glory and power. And thus he came to the water, in order that the desire of those powers might be satisfied.

But the generation without a king over it says that God chose him from all the aeons. He caused a knowledge of the undefiled one of truth to come to be in him. He said, "Out of a foreign air, from a great aeon, the great illuminator came forth. And he made the generation of those men whom he had chosen for himself shine, so that they could shine upon the whole aeon"

Then the seed, those who will receive his name upon the water and (that) of them all, will fight against the power. And a cloud of darkness will come upon them.

Then the peoples will cry out with a great voice, saying, "Blessed is the soul of those men because they have known God with a knowledge of the truth! They shall live forever, because they have not been corrupted by their desire, along with the angels, nor have they accomplished the works of the powers, but they have stood in his presence in a knowledge of God like light that has come forth from fire and blood.

"But we have done every deed of the powers senselessly. We have boasted in the transgression of all our works. We have cried against the God of truth because all his works [...] is eternal. These are against our spirits. For now we have known that our souls will die the death."

Then a voice came to them, saying "Micheu and Michar and Mnesinous, who are over the holy baptism and the living water, why were you crying out against the living God with lawless voices and tongues without law over them, and souls full of blood and foul deeds? You are full of works that are not of the truth, but your ways are full of joy and rejoicing. Having defiled the water of life, you have drawn it within the will of the powers to whom you have been given to serve them.

"And your thought is not like that of those men whom you persecute [...] desire [...]. Their fruit does not wither. But they will be known up to the great aeons, because the words they have kept, of the God of the aeons, were not committed to the book, nor were they written. But angelic (beings) will bring them, whom all the generations of men will not know. For they will be on a high mountain, upon a rock of truth. Therefore they will be named "The Words of Imperishability and Truth," for those who know the eternal God in wisdom of knowledge and teaching of angels forever, for he knows all things."

These are the revelations which Adam made known to Seth, his son, And his son taught his seed about them. This is the hidden knowledge of Adam, which he gave to Seth, which is the holy baptism of those who know the eternal knowledge through those born of the word and the imperishable illuminators, who came from the holy seed: Yesseus, Mazareus, Yessedekeus, the Living Water.

The Apocalypse of Adam
Selection made from James M. Robinson, ed., The Nag Hammadi Library, revised edition. HarperCollins, San Francisco, 1990.

THE OLSEN TWINS

2010-10-10T23:23:00.001-04:00

J: they were kind of wannabe hipsters, dressing all dowdy and "homeless" and having heath ledger die in one of their apts., etc.
T: oh man, that's so hip. i wish Heath Ledger would come over and die in my rectum.

"Valerie" (excerpt) for Myra

2010-10-04T23:44:00.001-04:00

MONDAY

2010-09-27T15:27:00.008-04:00

the Start

2010-09-23T10:28:00.003-04:00

photo by J.P.

This was one of the first moments with the young man who is now my boyfriend.
This was not the very first moment of our meeting (face-to-face), but this candid photo manages to capture us well within ten minutes of first being in the same room / same building / same city / same state together.

I can not say I know of anyone who has a photo of the first time they ever met the person they are currently involved with; not a photo of when they made things "official," but of the first moment they locked eyes, spoke, said hello, told jokes.

At this point, I had been awake at least 24 hours. I had only been in Anchorage about an hour.
Sam had (obviously) painted his face green. I was smitten and terribly nervous.

Sam brought 3D Connect Four over and we played a game with the proprietor of Alligator Wharf.

MAKE IT REAL

2010-08-10T15:38:00.003-04:00

ONLINE STORE

History in the Faking

2010-08-04T17:36:00.005-04:00

Not to be a total shit but, legalized same-sex marriage isn't helping me get laid / dates.

UNPUBLISHED INTERVIEW

2010-07-12T00:45:00.006-04:00

WHY:
partly, what i do is incredibly juvenile. i don't mean in a sort of non-formulaic, amateurish sense, but more along the lines of early punk rock (1977 Essex). i started out writing lyrics based on rhythm, rhyme, and melody. that's what i did for give or take four years. the problem was two-fold:

1. the indie scene (the politics / aesthetics, not the genre) was, and still is to a degree, a very twee place. lots of love songs, songs about bike riding, cats, how awesome your breakfast was, etc. obviously i'm oversimplifying, but i would get up on stage after a band that sang songs about cats and how awesome their white blood cells are, and sing songs about living in a burning down house, and lightning cracking all my teeth, and having a birds' nest in my stomach, and being cut into pieces, and how hard life is when you're attempting to sustain a romantic relationship with a werewolf. everything was really metaphorical and intensely personal. i played a show in Charleston, SC back in 2006 and made everyone in the room cry, literally. so that's the first problem. i didn't really feel like i fit in with anyone stylistically. on the surface, what you heard, sure, but if you stopped and actually LISTENED, then no, not at all.
2. white-guy with an acoustic guitar syndrome. 9/10 of the time, a white guy with a guitar will get no attention from a room, be it a venue, a bar, a gallery, whatever. that's why house shows are so good. the only people who (usually) show up are there to seriously see / hear something.
and i don't mean to say that this "noise" was completely new. i'm a classically trained cellist. i can play a lot of instruments. i was in a bluegrass troupe for a few years; i've done string quartets. i played Stravinsky's "Romeo & Juliet" overture at Carnegie Hall in NYC. if you take my entire discography and listen to everything chronologically, you'll hear these little experiments, these crazy little compositions that are maybe halfway attractive to the ear, but maybe there's no discernible beat, or the tonal structure isn't Western, or something. so basically, i started doing noise because i felt like i had exhausted my capabilities with the guitar+voice equation. partly, i had a terrible break-up and i didn't have anyone to talk to about it, give or take, so everything i had to pour into an album, and once that was done, that was it. people still ask me to play tracks off that recording, but i can't. that's three years ago. that was then. those songs are still sort of sore.
but back to juvenile: part of what i do is a response to all the shows i played where i had to strain myself to be heard over all the people at the bar who were complaining about work, trying to get laid, telling jokes, bitching, etc. i may only do 15 to 20 minute sets now, but in those 20 minutes i can empty a whole room. i'm not going to pour my heart out on stage for 45 minutes to a completely ambivalent crowd. now, i still pour out, but you can't NOT hear. the audience isn't listening, but at least they hear me.

noise is nothing new, however. when Stravinsky premiered "Rite of Spring" in Paris 1913, the audience degenerated into a riot. when the Futurists in Italy performed the first ever (maybe) noise show in Milan 1914, the audience degenerated into a riot. the difference being that, whereas Stravinsky, who is absolutely brilliant, was cultural, upper-society classical music, the Futurists, who were artists, poets, noisemakers, lunatics, etc., jumped into the audience and started beating dissenters.

my focus now is more on mood. i use lyrics, but i use them the way a painter uses colors. they're there, but they're not the whole painting, they're only part of the whole work. my focus now is more on composition and assemblage, like collage work, but with sound. i work a lot with frequencies and phase oscillations, texture and tone, rather than melody and linear thematics. that being said, i draw a lot of inspirations from the modern art world, Western esoteric / mystical traditions, high magick, mythology and folklore, and general unpleasantness.

photo by B.A.Bishop / edited by T.Boettner

TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER HEARD YOU BEFORE, HOW DO YOU DESCRIBE YOUR MUSIC?
i ask if they have heard of Wolf Eyes. if they have, i can go from there. "less beat, more doom." usually though i have to say things like "dark ceremonialism, very loud" because most people around here haven't heard of Wolf Eyes.

WHAT GOT YOU STARTED ON MUSIC?
i started playing cello when i was 10 or 11 years old. i got my first guitar when i was 12 or 13.
i really didn't start playing / writing my own music until i was in college and i grabbed a copy of "Mount Eerie" by The Microphones on a friend's recommendation. i figured, if basically one guy could make something that good and detailed, i could do something that at least didn't suck.

ARE THERE ANY BANDS OR MUSICIANS WHO INFLUENCED YOUR WORK?
when i was starting out, totally bands like The Microphones / Mount Eerie, Thanksgiving, Xiu Xiu, the Cure, Joy Division, Crass.
over time, i found newer bands who sort of represented what i wanted to do, or where i was trying to go, bands / artists that helped put my conceptual ideas into a context. Wolf Eyes was one of those bands. Prurient another. Aaron Dilloway and Nate Young, for sure; they both produce really intense analog noise work. I'm getting back into Throbbing Gristle, I like them, but I sort of forgot about them for a while, and now I am back at a place where I can appreciate them artistically. SOUNDTRACKS FOR THE BLIND by Swans, that's been on a lot lately. i've been really heavy into Pauline Oliveros, Elaine Radigue, and Runzelstirn & Gurgelstock. i still work on actual compositions, sort of a mix of medieval Nordic folk and modern composition, very Eyvind Kang meets Arvo Part, i guess.

WHEN YOU RECORD THESE SONGS, DO YOU HAVE A PARTICULAR AUDIENCE IN MIND?
no. my work is so heavy on context i'm usually buried in a book and tons of cables before i even think about "who" will hear "what."

WHAT'S THE ORIGIN OF THE NAME, fire island, AK? WHY NO CAPITAL LETTERS?
okay. fire island is a gay enclave in NY state. well known for crusing areas, sort of all the stereotypical "gay" imagery.
fire island, AK is a little island about three miles outside of Anchorage in Cook Inlet. nothing there, wild bird preservatory, i think. you fly right over when you fly into Ted Stevens Int'l Airport. so there's that. there's the implication that, hopefully, people catch on immediately and they know where i'm coming from, but then there's the juxtaposition of, i don't know, the good twin? the evil twin? plus the name carries the weight and assumptions of Alaska; vastness, cold, dark, wildnerness, isolation.
plus, "fire" and "island," so right there you have three of the five classical elements, fire, earth, water.
"fire island" is all lowercase partly as a pun. i mean, the islane is a tiny little island in the Cook Inlet, and Alaska itself is HUGE, like a 1/3 of the contiguous 48 states. plus, i wanted to downplay the concept that "fire island" was a really big part of the name, because obviously the concepts tied with the name are, but there's already like two gay house DJ acts called "fire island," plus that terrible Long Winters song, "Fire Island, AK," which is capitalized properly (though i had been using the name for about three years before they released that song).

WHAT MAKES A SONG GOOD, IN YOUR OPINION?

HOW MANY RECORDINGS HAVE YOU RELEASED? HOW MANY SHOWS HAVE YOU PERFORMED?
um. actual, physical copies: thirty releases, total; noise and "songs." plus, at least five compilations i can think of, one in the Netherlands. uh, eight internet only releases, i think.
well over 100 shows, but that's over the course of almost six years, give or take. however, i have played in Canada and Alaska, and something like 20 states other than SC or AK.

DO YOU PREFER PERFORMING LIVE, OR WORKING IN A STUDIO?
i love performing live, but that can so easily be ruined by a shitty audience / no audience at all.
studio work is tedious, but as an OCD perfectionist, that suits me to a degree. i flesh out ideas in the studio, then take them on stage. i guess half and half. i mean, i've had some totally amazing shows, which were great, but they're so few and far between that i have a hard time saying i "prefer" performing live.

WHERE OR WHEN DO YOU FEEL AT YOUR MOST CREATIVE?

WHAT'S NEXT FOR YOU? A NEW ALBUM, PERHAPS?
FM Dust tapes in Ann Arbor, MI [released on of my new tapes]. super dark. based on the Neophyte Ritual of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and the Tarot. very ceremonial. i'm sure people who listen to the tape will end up being burned in hell or something. it's gonna be great. i'm currently working on an album of compositions based on the 22 major arcana of the Tarot. also, a work of 120 compositions based on Sade's 120 DAYS OF SODOM. [ed. I have a split with Exhumed Corpse coming out on FM Dust later in the year, sometime before that SOLAR ∆ LUXURIANCE is releasing a new concept piece, 100 deadly days.]

ARE YOU EVER CONCERNED THAT PEOPLE WON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH WITH THIS MUSIC?
not so much anymore. i just assume people won't get what i'm doing. if they do, that's a nice surprise.

I Slept For Fourteen Hours

2010-07-10T18:10:00.003-04:00

last night i dreamt of a great, black fly outside my window. my father lied face down on the floor in flames; my mother was a menstrual goddess. my three dogs were transformed: one of bones, one of muscle, one of skin (no fur). every wall of the house was black and the buzzing of the great, black fly drowned out all cries for help.

GNOSTIC IMAGERY IN POP CULTURE, I

2010-07-08T19:30:00.007-04:00

THEY LIVE (dir. Carpenter, 1988)

during this scene, our two heroes have arrived at the secret resistance meeting. you notice that the address is scrawled on the wall between their faces (George + Frank; Joachim + Boaz). Whereas Nada (Strength) successfully exposes the extraterrestrial plot to humanity, Frank is the character who tells Nada to forget the girl, "I have a wife and kids to think about!," and is far more cautious (Wisdom).

CHRIST AND THE PALE QUEENS MIGHTY IN SORROW (Current 93, 1988)
All lyrics by David Tibet except "Forever Changing" and the first section of "Christ And The Pale Queens", which are taken from the works of Hildegard of Bingen (→visions, revealing, removal of a veil). Included in the liner notes is a quote of juxtaposition (sleep vs. awake, past vs. future, status quo vs. revolution, slavery vs. rebellion) from THE HOLY BIBLE:

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together, a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose, a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace..."

Ecclesiastes III,1-8

RETROSPECTIVE

2010-07-02T19:40:00.005-04:00

single commissioned box set spanning 2004 - 2010
EDITION OF ONE

POSSESSION LIMITS + MANIFESTO

2010-06-29T15:15:00.004-04:00

"That's important to me, that I act like a hysterical accident victim." DAVID WOJNAROWICZ

PARTY'S OVER

2010-06-21T11:26:00.009-04:00

If you somehow didn't know, last Saturday (19 JUN 2010) marked the second annual Pride March here in Spartanburg, SC. I can say, and I mean this honestly, that I'm glad protesters were outnumbered about twenty-five to one. I'm glad that the "Christians Opposing Proclamation Signing" didn't get the rain they hoped for. I am still shocked beyond belief that our mayor issued a proclamation making 19 June LGBT day, officially. Am I glad that the queers of this blue-collar, old-money town have finally peeked into the sunlight? You better believe, I am! Despite all my political reasons to despise the very notion of "Pride," I am still glad that Spartanburg actually has such a thing. Our march here means something very different, on a personal level, than annual events in NYC or San Francisco (or at least I hope so). Ours is a march of survival and defiance; others are parties.

...and, like always, the southeastern US is determined to be the last one to the party.

However, this changes nothing. I know right now there are a few local bloggers talking about how this will be a "mandate," a "sign of things to come," how finally the LGBT(PQAI) movement has arrived in Spartanburg. How "If last year’s march was the Spartanburg LGBT community’s 'coming out,' then this year’s march was that community kicking open the door to the chamber of power and demanding a seat with everyone else."

No.

As a homosexual from Spartanburg, I guess I have a very particular view on all this. Do I view the march as a mandate? No. This was a party that some people got to go to and, like most parties, now that the fun's over we can all go home and ignore each other again.

After years of attempting to date online, I've discovered something about Spartanburg. The gays in this town are hidden and most are so far back in the closet they don't know there's a door. Spartanburg, specifically, tends to have the lowest amount of profiles on sites like Gay.com, Bear411.com, Match.com, Chemistry.com. Fairbanks, AK had more profiles than Spartanburg does. Of course, half the profiles listed have no photos, no discerning information, and haven't been logged into for at least six months.

The Craigslist postings for upstate SC add a variable to the equation. Every single one says something along the lines of "discrete," "straight-acting," "masculine." If any post has photos, they're not of a face. Granted, Craigslist isn't meant for profound, meaningful interactions, but the fact that Craigslist is far more active than any personals dating site speaks volumes to me.*

After looking through photos from the march, I saw eight people I knew, three of whom are straight. The other five I knew due to Monday night trivia and college. Everyone else? No fucking clue. These weren't even faces I see at Wal-Mart, Barnes & Noble, any bars, stop lights. Were most of these people from out of town? Had they come back to celebrate their hometown's new-found diversity? Were these people from neighboring cities without Pride celebrations?** Or, as I suspect, were most of the people there straight?***

photos by Mike Bonner

I don't see this march as anything more than a chance for a few homosexuals who, chances are, are already out to their friends and family, to walk around in a large crowd of "allies," without fear of reproach. You're not going to see gay couples walking down main street holding hands. You're not going to see rainbow stickers adorning the doorways to local businesses. You're not going to see rainbow flags flying out front of gay bars (though we have two). This was, as Zack Rosen points out, a party.

Sure, for Spartanburg, a party is just what we need; get people loosened up, have some fun, stop worrying about Bob Jones University, and Stephen Andrew Moller, and rednecks.

...but I'm tired of parties, and fortunately Zack put this better than I can:

Like it or not, the eyes of the world fall upon us at every gay celebration, and much of the world is straight. Whether or not the heteroes attending pride are supporting allies or spectacle-seeking rubberneckers, it is the one day all year when they are going to see an entire regions queer population in full force. This is how they form their opinion of what we are as a group.
And I honestly can’t be bothered anymore to debate the deleterious effects that speedo queens or dykes on bikes might have on the way we are perceived from the outside. But I do know this: If I was a 55 year old straight married couple who happened to be in town for a conference, and I stumbled upon the gay Pride Parade, and had never before been around a large group of queers, I would think that there was nothing wrong with our lives.

In a state that where nearly four out of five voters approved a constitutional amendment to define marriage as between a man and a woman, the last thing we need is a party. The gays in this state shouldn't be putting on rainbows, smiles, and waving at passerby. They should be in all black, barricading the doors to blood banks and courthouses.

Again, I'm going to let Zack take over here.

don’t we have the right to celebrate how far we’ve come?

We do, I’d respond, but we do that every day. Every time we hit the clubs, every time a blog posts a success story, or a warning about a homo/phobic corporation we shouldn’t be patronizing, we celebrate. The fact that I can hold hands with my boyfriend on the street and not get killed is a celebration. So Pride is like a thousand Saturday nights in one. It’s a tremendous release, but you still gotta wake up on Sunday and do the dishes.

I'm not begrudging anyone their celebration. What I am saying is that people are acting like having two pride marches means Spartanburg is on its way to becoming some "progressive" hub to rival Asheville or Chapel Hill. The reality couldn't be farther from the truth.

All we've done is show everyone else that we're happy in our "sin," that our "abomination" doesn't bother us, that we like Myspace and MTV and "Oboma." (I guess?)

photos by Jordan Wilson

Until people actually think we're dangerous, homosexuals are just going to be those degenerates who shove their sickness in everyone else's face every Juneteenth.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's some further reading from across the pond.

*Or maybe gay men really are the sex-crazed dogs people think we are. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing this whole notion.
**Atlanta, Asheville, Charlotte, Columbia all have annual pride events.
***I guess I could be totally out of touch, but having lived in Spartanburg for most of my life, being the only homosexual most of my friends know, never having dated anyone from Spartanburg, etc. I think I have a pretty good base to speculate from.

2010-05-23T12:06:00.005-04:00

available in zine format; paypal $5 (s/h included) to nous_parlons_francais@hotmail.com

A Spectre Is Haunting Spartanburg

2010-05-11T10:13:00.011-04:00

While attempting to book a show (or two!), I had an idea: what if I pitched fire island, AK to Upstate Pride (again), possibly to get them to sponsor me in some way? The logic is that I could use them to get a show or two in Spartanburg. Maybe they never replied to my multiple emails last summer because things were too hectic, what with last year's march being the first ever in Spartanburg. Sadly, having had other people tell me that Upstate Pride had communicated to them and, mentioned me, I can't say they never got the email. Anyway.

While clicking around their site, I end up on the "March & Festival" page. Who have they booked as a headliner this year?

BRANDON FUCKING HILTON

I really hate that I even posted his picture in my blog.
I feel like he has become my nemesis in all things.

Okay, look. I really do not want to seem jealous. I mean, I am, in part, but for valid reasons. This "guy" has made a name for himself by imitating Britney Spears and Lady Gaga; he claims to be friends with Paris Hilton; he co-opts the same Aladdin Sane lightning bolt that Gaga stole from Bowie. In what way is any of this original? I suppose if he was funny, we could all pretend he's the gay / pop-culture Weird Al of the 21st century. Sadly, he is not funny, and is largely irrelevant, citing that his influences are not concepts, but rather pop-culture figures; not trends or ideas.

Actually, after visiting his Myspace page, apparently Adam Lambert has become his new icon. Based on the hair, eyeliner, and the liberal use of stars, blue, and purple tones, his page now looks like a cheap, Canal Street knock-off of For Your Entertainment.

Do not assume that I am against him because of his femininity. As a friend of mine pointed out, "there are just inherently effeminate homos [and] to just hate oh (sic.) them as a whole is ... not progressive." (thanks Mmike) True enough. If anything, effete homosexuals are important because they buck the established gender roles of what "men" and "women" are. My point is, when what was once radical becomes co-opted into a stereotyped heterogeneity, that is just as toxic as putting "HWP" or "Straight-acting only" on a personal profile. The problem here is not that Brandon Hilton is an effeminate homosexual; the problem is that he is only an effeminate homosexual. Yes, you can argue "stage presence" with me all day, but that stage presence, whether affected or not, is what generates notions of homosexuality.

Secondly, there is the issue of talent. Perhaps he can sing. I have no idea, just like I have no idea if he is actually friends with Paris Hilton or not. Regardless, his Youtube videos and Myspace tracks show an affinity for imitation and a deep devotion to the vocoder. I swear, the beat on "wind me up" was stolen from Culture Prophet. Half the songs I see posted on Youtube are covers; the other half make me want to die. Case in point, "My Bootyhole," hotlinked above.

DISCLAIMER:
I am so fucking sorry for subjecting you all to this. Take my word for how awful the music is. Really. You do not want his synthesized vocals stuck in your head.

So there; I think his musical abilities are shit. Granted, I hate just about any popular musical act today. I listen to the most obscure, bizarre sounds imaginable. That being said, I still feel justified in both my dislike of Brandon Hilton, and the hurt that Upstate Pride, supposedly tasked with the job of empowering homosexuals in the upstate, has turned their back on my meager requests. Here's the bulk of "why."

Brandon Hilton is doing nothing to improve homosexuality, at all. Personally, he provides nothing for me to be proud of. On the whole, we should strive to distance ourselves from his overwhelming unoriginality. Why?

Brandon Hilton promotes the tired misconception that homosexual men want to be women. Maybe he does, maybe he does not, but with his feminine build and affinity for female pop stars, Brandon Hilton is easily mistakable for an ugly 16-year-old girl. He is a camp cliche. He is not a homosexual. Rather, he is heteronormative society's idea of what is a homosexual. He is gay.

Primarily, this is the problem. There are, at the most basic level, homosexuals and gays. Gays have a lifestyle and culture; what that is, I can only speculate. Homosexuals are, however, people who prefer those of the same sex. All gays are homosexual. Not all homosexuals are gay.

Brandon Hilton conveys the same tired image of party and play. He "sings" brainless dance songs which largely consist of "getting down" and being "wound up." He presents a track about his "bootyhole," which is not only an unappealing notion, but gives us the homosexual as penetrated, as prostrate, as subservient. His is the pierced and the conquered body of (wo)manhood. I completely understand the concept of the power bottom, and the pleasure of being on the receiving end, but in Brandon Hilton's hands, this is a fey image. He is the fey queen who loves to dance and be fucked. He probably can not lift anything heavier than a make-up bag. I am sure he refers to all his male friends as "bitch" and "girl" and "slut." He probably fucks a different guy every week. Are these mean statements?* I do not make these observations to be cruel, however. These are what heteronormative society sees when they see Brandon Hilton performing at the behest of Upstate Pride. "You know those gays, they love to dance and have casual sex."

This is confusing beyond reason. On one side, Stephin Merritt and Rupert Everett are telling young, artistic queers to stay in the closet. "Never come out. Fame will not find you." On the other side, here comes Brandon Hilton, portraying the most tired of all homosexual cliches. Either path is paved in lies, and no thank you, I do not like where these paths lead.

So yes. I am hurt. Upstate Pride could not take the time to even tell me "no" last summer. They contacted other bands I suggested, even mentioned that I was playing to one of them, but no one ever got in touch with me. Now, they have taken a huge step backward by booking the tired old cliche of the screaming queen. Instead of giving everyone a stage to stand on, they have brought in the tired old specter of the dandy, the fop, the poof, the nancy. No wonder homosexuality has become the new Communism in the political realm. Maybe if we, as a "community," a designation I strongly regard with skepticism, could lay this poor, tired ghost to rest, we could move beyond homosexuality as hidden secret and perfected shame.

-----------------------------------------------------

*From my mouth, probably; gays like to accuse me of internalized homophobia.

A joke in poor taste

2010-04-07T15:22:00.006-04:00

ME: Why do so many gay guys pick running as their exercise of choice?
YOU: I don't know, why?
ME: ...because they are so used to running away from everything; bullies, commitment, good sense, maturity.

maybe this will cheer you up.

The CUT

2010-04-05T13:39:00.002-04:00

MURDER riding horseback
whore's back
bareback
blackened rear,
bodies cut in two

head on pike,
puke on cock

putrid spittle,
bile in the nostril,
smell of stains

semen sprayed upon
shit-crust arse

blacks and whites
full of hate

spitting white nothings
and cockspurting white nothings,
great gaping maws devouring 10,000 generations

2010-04-02T11:25:00.001-04:00

Neither beast which might noise make.

2010-03-28T14:44:00.003-04:00

i have already been stood up three times this year.
i can not seem to get any shows booked and my merchandise sales are dreadful; i am giving away more than i am selling.

this man's child was killed in a US-led air raid in Iraq, April 2009.
i wish i could erase my own unhappiness with the understanding that my country is responsible for murder, my species is responsible for murder.

SEE HORSE SEA HORRORS

2010-03-28T12:18:00.003-04:00

JESUS WILL BE IN AGONY UNTIL THE END OF THE WORLD /
THERE MUST BE NO RESTING IN THE MEANTIME

THE ONE WILD HUNT / FOR LONELINESS /
IS A LIFE WITHOUT GOD / IS AN END WITHOUT LOVE

MALDOROR EST MORT

2010-03-25T15:57:00.002-04:00

visibility vs. assimilation

2010-03-24T15:00:00.017-04:00

Dear Thomas:

Queer Control Records thanks you for your submission to be included in our upcoming compilation. Our staff and board of directors carefully reviewed each submission and had to make difficult decisions about which artists would be best suited to participate in this particular project. While we genuinely appreciate your interest in partnering with QCR, it is with regret that I must inform you that we are not able to include your music at this time. We hope that you will continue to check back at our website for opportunities to participate in future projects. Thanks again for your support and love!

Best wishes,
Marlene

Marlene Melendez
CEO/President
Honestly, I had forgotten that I even submitted anything to QCR. Browsing through their catalog I notice ska, alternative à la The Pixies, pop-punk à la 2001-era Saves The Day, Bikini Kill inspired Riot Grrrl, and a classically trained Joanna Newsom / Feist variant songstress. Granted, none of them are doing what they do badly. That being said, QCR is representing queer artists, more so than a genre. Looking back to the original submission email I sent, I provided links to Last.FM, Myspace, and Facebook, meaning that I did not make the mistake of sending a single, potentially shoddy track, or perhaps a few tracks which, in isolation, fail to provide a sense of competency to what I do as an artist.

I do not mean any ill will to QCR. I am not angry or even annoyed about this rejection. Hell, that's half the business of being an artist, be it the written word, sound, visual arts, performance, etc. I have played enough shows to fewer than ten people to know that what I do is not necessarily marketable, or even profitable. QCR markets themselves as a non-profit which provides "charitable assistance" to LGBTIQQ musicians. Obviously, they want to build a compilation that will maximize their profits, allowing them to promote new bands, book shows, and host events that will further their mission.

The reason I say any of this is that their decision to not include fire island, AK on their compilation seems endemic not of my life as an artist or my life as a queer, but of my life as a queer artist. I have been on several compilations (Now Hereness USA, Delirious Riot HOLL, Jack & Diane CAN, Home UK). I have dated, had sex, and been in relationships. However, trying to unite these two portions of my life has proven nearly impossible.

Last year, Spartanburg, SC hosted their first ever pride march. Without even going into all the politics that surround "pride," I volunteered myself (and several others) to perform at the post-march festival on the grounds of the local Unitarian church. I never heard back from anyone involved with Upstate PRIDE, though a couple other musicians mentioned that they had been contacted and made aware of my suggestions. One band even told me that they had been given the impression that I was in fact performing, which was news to me.

Twice I have attempted to perform at queer festivals in the southeast without receiving any reply. I have attempted to perform at gay bars in the region, again with no reply. Now, I have had just as many non-responses from rock clubs and bars, but percentage wise, the non-heterosexuals are far less inviting.

I have had enough questions regarding my orientation from partners and acquaintances, but as bothersome of these questions may be, I can understand them in the context of my personality. I can also understand poor show attendance and the difficulty I have in moving merchandise. However, what I can not figure out is how the "gay community," with all the talk of supporting one another and visibility, is so exclusive.

On one hand, I imagine this exclusion is due to the region. As far as I have been able to discern, gays in upstate SC do one of three things:
1. leave
2. stay in the closet
3. adopt a stereotype to fit in
Granting any of these options, I can see why a bear-ish young man with a penchant for Black Metal and harsh noise would have a hard time finding an audience among the gay community of the upstate. The problem therein is that excluding someone for being "different" is precisely the issue which the PRIDE movement and which QCR attempt to combat. I am at a loss for words to be in a world where queers will support Vampire Weekend simply because their keyboardist is gay, where Gaahl can be named "Homosexual of the Year" (go Norway!), and yet queer noise is too weird to support. Remember t.A.T.u.? The Age proclaimed them to be "what the Spice Girls were to girl bands - the start of a revolution," and they were not even really lesbians! How about even more recently, when Stephin Merritt gave some "advice to budding young songwriters: Don't come out. ... I think it's clear from the careers of gay performers that the way to be successful is to come out later, not beforehand." Maybe their careers have been less successful because, for some reason, we look down on our own. Of course, that probably explains the popularity of Cher, Madonna, Britney, and now Gaga, all of whom are part of the canon of patron saints for the gay community, and none of them are actually gay. Richard Ramirez deserves to have an article in OUT, not Lady Gaga. I support queer arts, but there is no way to fully support queer arts by ignoring what is challenging or difficult. Until I/you/we can pound this through the head of the "establishment," queer noise will be stuck outside the ghettoes of nightclubs.

BUTT N°28

2010-03-16T16:11:00.003-04:00

ON LOCAL MUSIC

2010-03-14T11:17:00.009-04:00

I would like to preface this entire post by saying that, for a few hours, I considered not even writing this. Why? Because I've been lectured by both sides of the divide and by even voicing my opinions, which run contrary to "________ ROCKS!," I run the very real risk of being completely black-listed in Spartanburg. However, after consideration, I've decided that these things need to be said in the open; besides, the last show I had in this town, performers outnumbered audience + bar staff.

In Spartanburg, this topic has become one long circle-jerk, divided between two camps of self-impressed, egotistical individuals. One on hand, you have the downtown, city tax-money funded (in part), "Grain District," music walk, Creative Energy people: local music as an outlet to increase tourism and spending in the downtown area. Local music as a dollar sign, despite lots of talk about "putting a spotlight on the best local and regional acts while also bringing in national acts that vary in genre, from Americana, Blues, Bluegrass and Roots music to Folk, Jazz, Indie Rock/Pop and almost everything between" (Hub-Bub). I'm sure someone from Hub-Bub will email me in the next week, copy + paste most of this paragraph and scolde me (again) for talking bad about them. The sad fact is that their scolding misses the point: they won't book noise, punk, metal, or just about anything else that you don't hear on NPR/WNCW 88.7FM. They can lecture me about their "volunteer-only staff," and their "shoestring budget," but they obviously are never going to book someone like me. If they were, they would have returned any one of my emails, or at least replied to the three press packets I dropped off at their building. Sadly, the only time anyone ever emailed me was to reply to a post I made on a Facebook group about Spartanburg, in which I mentioned that they didn't reply to emails (I-R-O-N-Y).

On the other side of the divide, you have Ground Zero. Ground Zero is an institution in Spartanburg, perhaps even in the southeast. True: Danzig, Mayhem, Marduk, The Robot Ate Me, White Mice, Jello Biafra, Real Live Tigers, Napalm Death, Cannibal Corpse, and Realicide have performed there. That being said, this is a post about local music which, sadly, seems to suffer to no end at Ground Zero, unless they are a punk or hardcore band (or some derivative/variation thereof). The problem with this is that Ground Zero is basically the only real venue in Spartanburg. Short of playing at one of our numerous bars, which is never about the music, there's nowhere else to play in this town. I've been lectured for not going to local shows at Ground Zero, and that the reason my shows are poorly attended is that I don't go to other people's shows. First, this makes show attendance compulsory, like a form of prostitution or patronage. Second, why should I go to a show full of people I don't like or know to listen to bands I don't like? I understand, yes, support local music, but where was this compulsory support for Burn Fest? Burn Fest was a two-day, almost all local, music fest, hosted at Ground Zero. Roughly 40 bands, every genre you could think of. There was an indie band from Charleston with cello and two drummers, hip-hop, singer/songwriter, punk, rock, hardcore, noise, dance, etc. However, I think the final number I heard for tickets sold was 160; not two-day passes though, tickets in general, which means that some people bought single-day passes both days of the fest. I played for two people. I watched several bands, with maybe ten other people in the room. I ran Orchard's merch table while they played, and counted roughly sixteen people in the venue at that point. After the fest was all said and done, the organizer sworn off booking shows in Spartanburg for ages, performers a little more jaded about playing in Spartanburg, two reasons where bandied up to those involved about poor turnout.
1. dislike for Ground Zero / location
2. promoters did not make enough fliers
Granted, the venue is on one of the rougher streets in town. That being said, the venue is also on the safer end of that street, out in the industrial district, surrounded by a recycling center, train tracks, abandoned buildings, a UPS distribution center, and the county jail. How bad can the venue really be if the closest neighbor is a jail? Think about this: if there were shootings and drug deals going down all the time, wouldn't having the cops so close by be a pretty bad thing? As for the second complaint, which came from the venue, I can attest that the promoters made 500 to 1000 fliers for the event. The problem being that most businesses downtown do not allow or want fliers in their windows. Putting fliers on telephone poles is illegal in Spartanburg, and if you get caught, you have to pay a ticket for littering. Not very punk, but then we (bands and musicians) aren't very rich either, so paying a $200 ticket for a show that no one will come to is not worth the risk, y'dig? The question is, where do we flier? Ground Zero only has Myspace and Facebook pages, since their website became inactive a few years back. A festival is not built upon fliers alone. Let me also point out that neither reason was "I didn't know about Burn Fest." People knew, they just didn't care enough to show up. Whether or not that was due to apathy or the venue is still undecided.

Now, these two views bring me to my conclusion. Primarily, musicians in Spartanburg are getting shafted, as are most bands who come through. Hub-Bub only books what they enjoy, and uses their "shoestring budget" as a defense towards actually booking other types of music. Ground Zero tends to play the victim-card, claiming that people are against the venue for being "real," and booking "national acts." Both parties do nothing to actually help the local music scene in this town, which explains why most of us play shows in Greenville and/or leave town. Ground Zero could still be a great venue if they would stop booking so many shows in the vein of Kittie* (90's heavy metal) and hardcore. Granted, about six years ago the problem was 90s metal and ska.** I get that these shows tend to bring in a lot of money for the venue, and that is fine, but last I browsed through the show calendar, I did not see a single show that interested me enough to drive across town and pay a cover. Sure, what's one person? Well, when that one person is in two bands, and also happens to get a lot of booking requests from out of town acts...

That being said, Ground Zero, as Spartanburg's more accepting venue, should strive to actually support more bands; booking a show does not count as support. I mean actually talk up the shows the same way national acts get promoted several times a day on Myspace and Facebook. I have seen more mention in the last two weeks of the Otep show (10 March) than I think just about any other show at Ground Zero. I can't recall seeing that many Myspace bulletins about any of my shows, or shows I booked. Is that because the bands I book, and my own band, are not "famous" like Otep? Or is this a sign of the venue playing favorites? I will be the first to admit that most of what I listen to is only marginally listenable, and not even in this region, but that should not excuse Ground Zero being treated as the management's personal castle / jukebox.

I hold both Ground Zero and Hub-Bub accountable. Hub-Bub wants to talk about "[building] community through dynamic arts and ideas" by booking Shane Pruitt. Look, Shane's a really nice guy and a great guitarist, but why should I pay $15 to see him at The Showroom, where I can't even smoke, when I can see him for free at least once a week at the Nu-Way, where I can smoke indoors and get beer for under $5? Ground Zero talks about being such a great venue, but caters to a very narrow understanding of music and culture. If local bands got the same sort of treatment as bands like Kittie and Otep, and if local bands were treated equally regardless of genre, Ground Zero could really be a great space, as well as a networking hub for local musicians.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* I know, right? I figured they were all dead or pregnant by now, but nope.
** four ska bands opened up for The Robot Ate Me. by the time he played, only eight people remained, two of whom drove six hours from Tennessee. Ryland hated Ground Zero (and the rest of the southeast) so much that he has vowed to never come back. So far, he's holding to that promise.

COMFORTLESS SKIN (excerpts)

2010-03-02T16:20:00.006-05:00

collages, 2010

INTIMIDATION

2010-03-01T12:15:00.004-05:00

Age: 36
Position: Top/Versatile
Height: 6'2"
Build: Athletic
Ethnicity: White
Hair: Dark Brown
Eyes: Green
Cock: 8.5" x 5"
Cut: Cut
Place: Meet in Public
HIV Status: Negative

Intos: Sucking, Fucking, 1 on 1, Jerking Off, Voyeurism, Role Playing, Nipple Play, Friends, Dating, Kissing, Dad / Son, Married Men, Massage, No Strings, Straight/Bi

"what time do i pick you up for dinner and dick
what night you free for dinner and some intense love making
my boy needs to know how to make out, long intense foreplay, getting you naked
i need a boy who can take a load and keep on sucking"

POSSESSION LIMITS (con't.)

2010-02-28T16:43:00.003-05:00

Possession Limits

2010-02-28T00:12:00.006-05:00

I.
I used to believe that sex was something vitally important, something that was neither granted nor taken easily. Intimacy, conversation, camaraderie were easily found. Once I lost the naivete of virginity / youth, I realized that sex is the easiest action to come by, regardless of the configuration or quantity. The binary is no more tied to sex than the choice of partner(s) one may make. However, hand-holding, engaging conversation, and earnest friendship are instead the more difficult to find; the hardest to foster, nearly impossible to generate, and the most difficult to maintain.
Any sexual act one desires may be found in the " ghettoes of nightclubs, public restrooms and sidelong glances" (Hocquenhem). The technological revolution has done for socialization what industry did for manufacturing: increased ease and segmentation. There is no requirement for conversation, no need to know the name of the other. A person is just as easily broken down into physical statistics and sexual acts as a machine is broken into gears and bolts.
The stigma against sex feeds this slavery. You do not want to know the name of the beautiful young man who fellates you. You do not want to know the name of the beautiful young woman who urinates upon your face. They are merely a tool to provide your material (though esoteric) desires. To caress their brow, to converse ideas, to bestow / receive intimacy is to accept the reality of the act as committed by/to a person, rather than in isolation. You did not receive a blow-job; _____ sucked your cock. You were not pissed upon; _____ pissed upon you. Western bourgeois culture can not allow sexuality to be expressed by people. Rather, technology provides the perfect barrier, the "fourth-wall" to extend into meta-reality for the disassociation between person and desire, people and activity.

II.
I consider myself fortunate in that I fulfill dual roles, as fucker and fucked; master and slave; monarch and subject; bourgeoisie and proletariat. My body is both a vessel and an instrument, allowed penetration, and to penetrate. I am neither dominate nor dominated. The binary composition allowing both passive and active roles grants a clarity of understanding, emotionally and physically, towards sexual/social relationships.
To allow one to enter my body is an acceptance of submission, "weakness" in a sense, a controversially stereotypical femininity that is both sought after and shunned, sheltered and shut-out. To enter one's body is an acceptance of my strength, my ability to commit violence of strength, to enshroud, encircle, and infect. At times I desire to be in charge, as corrupter of youth, as conqueror of chastity, and to exhibit stereotypical masculine strength. At times I only wish to be the object of one's desire, physical and, one hopes, emotional; to be yearned for, to be cherished, to be seen as an instrument of pleasure; granter of release.
However, the social indenturement of the sexes, and further the roles of the sexes in relation to homo/hetero, generates/has generated a partition of roles. You are either "top" or "bottom," fucker or fucked. The fucked fools himself into the status of "power bottom," earnest and eager to receive, to be the focus of activity as the paramount tool for attaining release. The fucker tells himself that his is the bearer of pleasure; he who bestows pleasure. Both fail to move beyond the dichotomous segmentation of their potential natures. They are never fully providing the inclusion of the other(s).
I am he who (in Marxist terms) exploits and is exploited, and therein becomes neither.

CHILDHOOD

2010-02-27T12:49:00.004-05:00

"But it is the nuclear family itself that, after being exploited, exploits in turn, first through motherhood, and later through the authority of the father: it commandeers, castrates, and twists the child's sex instinct into a sullen instrument of power in the name of protection and education." - Bruce Benderson, Miami Beach, 2007
(Good Sex Illustrated introduction, Tony Duvert 2007 ed.)

LAURA PALMER

2010-02-27T00:39:00.001-05:00

mixed media, 2010

••• – – – •••

2010-02-25T22:53:00.005-05:00

B.C.P.
you taught me that believing things people say / taking statements at face-value is naïve. i never wanted to be so cynical, but then i also never meant to be so trusting either. most people would only let a person stand them up once. for some stupid reason, i let you ruin Valentine's Day, my birthday, and New Year's Eve all in the same year. part of me wonders if you started a trend, or if i merely have the unfortunate luck of coincidence. i wish i could say why i gave you the benefit of three doubts, other than i wanted to make you as honest as the "you" in my head.

J.C.
i often wonder if you ever think about me. you were, and still are to a certain extent, the one that ruined me; not like you meant to, just that i gave you a power which i should have retained for someone i had known longer, better. you were the first man who was both a friend and a lover to me. i still am sorry that i was so juvenile. looking back, what i had with you was all i want now——a little haven and someone to share that space with. not that i can let you off the hook. dumping someone in August with the excuse that you knew in June should never be acceptable. if you had told me, maybe i could have avoided some of what came after. still, the two times i have seen you since then have been as exhilarating as when we first met, only now the excitement comes with a tightness of chest, a cold rock in the gut. the butterflies are dead.

R.L.S.
i wish i had been better to you. i understand that i was not the person i should have been (not that your cheating, mooching, and abandonment was excusable). i recognize that we had a lot less in common than we thought, especially now. you were young, as dear friends have confided, but i wish i could have somehow avoided m/y/our three-month journey into unhappiness and spite.

Baphomet

2010-02-24T02:00:00.001-05:00

mixed media collage on canvas, 2010

untitled n°1 (valley)

2010-02-24T01:53:00.001-05:00

collage on canvas, 2010

DOPAMINE

2010-02-20T11:18:00.006-05:00

DEAR GOD

2010-02-20T09:01:00.005-05:00

FIG. XXXV --- n°1

2010-01-30T18:43:00.001-05:00

FIG. XXXV Zine (issue no. one) $3
magick, sexuality, poetry, violence, iconography;
a nonrepresentational portrait of the artist as "self"

ZINE n°1 --- FIG. XXXV

2010-01-25T19:06:00.003-05:00

EGO-DEATH

2010-01-22T14:02:00.001-05:00

TRACK BY TRACK REFLECTIONS: mating call / bad luck (2007)

2010-01-20T21:29:00.000-05:00

MATING CALL
01. for all of us (second version)
02. Wolf Brother Wolf (for Justin Brewer)
03. bareback (we rides)
04. Apology
05. war on terror
06. for all of us
07. in the dark

BAD LUCK
08. I just wanted it to be good.
09. The Plot.
10. take me home with you
11. Spartanburg, SC
12. Canon
13. You Don't Know How It Feels (Tom Petty)

i hope one day i can have a full night's sleep without dreaming about your face & voice.
you were terrible to me, but i am also sure that i was not as good as i should have been.

A FOREST

2010-01-20T21:27:00.000-05:00

FOUR SYMBOLS

2010-01-10T02:19:00.002-05:00

TENTATIVE

2010-01-10T01:05:00.005-05:00

planning a late summer fire island, AK tour
all tour dates are suggestive / not set

1 JULY - KNOXVILLE, TN
2 JULY - CINCINNATI, OH
3 JULY - INDIANAPOLIS, IN
4 JULY - CHICAGO, IL
5 JULY - MILWAUKEE, WI
6 JULY - MINNEAPOLIS, MN
7 JULY - FARGO, ND
8 JULY - GRAND FORKS, ND
9 JULY - WINNIPEG, MANITOBA
10 JULY - EDMONTON, ALBERTA
12 JULY - ANCHORAGE, AK

more accomplishments

2010-01-06T21:13:00.002-05:00

- contributed to "Charlotte" on Ches Smith's Y/OUR TOWN album.
- wrote/recorded ROMAN GHOSTS, which is so good that faggots in other states tell me that they love me "passionately," want to give me "bj right now," and "love [me] madly DTF."
- i have seen Xiu Xiu four times; Mount Eerie three times; neither in South Carolina.
- i give the best blowjobs you have ever experienced. i have been told this by several older men, which leads me to believe that they know what they are talking about / have some experience to compare by.
- i had more sex in Alaska than i have had in South Carolina. i lived in Alaska for 10 months; i have lived in South Carolina for approximately 20 years.

FROTTAGE

2010-01-06T02:11:00.005-05:00

DISPATCHES FROM DEAD

2010-01-04T01:26:00.004-05:00

God watched the activities on Earth, became bored with the sexual traumas, kidnappings, murders, artisans, allowed attention to wander to the next closest sphere (cosmically speaking).
God watched the taller, lithe bodies put the finishing touches on their silver, saucer-like ship, and wondered how the pink people on the blue planet would interpret the presence of the grey people's silver saucer, so far from its red home.

RIGOR MORTIS SHUFFLE

2010-01-03T00:00:00.003-05:00

REQUIEM (adagio sostenuto)

2009-12-30T21:46:00.002-05:00

WORK WHILE YE HAVE LIGHT

2009-12-29T12:18:00.001-05:00

MMIX

2009-12-27T22:46:00.007-05:00

BOOKS READ IN 2009
01. Apocalypse Culture (ed. Adam Parfrey)
02. Apocalypse Culture II (ed. Adam Parfrey)
03. Standing in Two Circles: The Collected Works of Boyd Rice (ed. Brian M. Clark)
04. Noise / Music: A History by Paul Hegarty
05. No by Boyd Rice
06. Lords of Chaos: The Bloody Rise of the Satanic Metal Underground by Michael Moynihan & Didrik Søderlind
07. Dawn by Phil Elverum
08. Of Walking In Ice: Munich - Paris 23 November - 14 December 1974 by Werner Herzog
09. The Sexual Life of Robinson Crusoe by Humphrey Richardson
10. The Black Books of Elverum by Mary S. Rustad
11. Castration: An Abbreviated History of Western Manhood by Gary Taylor
12. The Secret King: The Myth and Reality of Nazi Occultism by Michael Moynihan & Stephen E. Flowers
13. Might Is Right by Ragnar Redbeard
14. Queer Wolf (ed. James EM Rasmussen)
15. Notes From Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky
16. Free Comrades: Anarchism and Homosexuality in the United States 1895

-1917 by Terence Kissack

17. The Apocalypse Reader (ed. Justin Taylor)
18. God Jr. by Dennis Cooper
19. Closer by Dennis Cooper
20. Frisk by Dennis Cooper
21. Try by Dennis Cooper
22. Guide by Dennis Cooper
23. Period by Dennis Cooper
24. The Sluts by Dennis Cooper
25. My Loose Thread by Dennis Cooper
26. Dream Police: Selected Poems, 1969-1993 by Dennis Cooper
27. Ugly Man by Dennis Cooper
28. All Ears by Dennis Cooper
29. Wrong by Dennis Cooper
30. The Tenderness of Wolves by Dennis Cooper
31. Idols by Dennis Cooper
32. He Cried by Dennis Cooper
33. Safe by Dennis Cooper
34. The Road by Cormac McCarthy
35. Dune by Frank Herbert
36. The Gates of Janus: Serial-Killing and its Analysis by Ian Brady
37. Kafka by Robert Crumb & David Zane Mairowitz
38. Northlanders, vol. 1 + 2 by Brian Wood, et al.
39. Burma Chronicles by Guy Delisle
40. It's Too Late To Say I'm Sorry by Joey Comeau
41. The Men with the Pink Triangle : T he True Life-and-Death Story of Homosexuals in the Nazi Death Camps by Heinz Heger
42. The Pink Triangle: The Nazi War Against Homosexuals by Richard Plant
43. The Holocaust: A Reader (ed. Simone Gigliotti)
44. Stalin: Breaker of Nations by Robert Conquest
45. Behind the Urals : An American Worker in Russia's City of Steel by John Scott
46. Horror Hospital Unplugged by Dennis Cooper & Keith Mayerson
47. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
48. The Doctrine of Fascism by Benito Mussolini
49. Rose Pillar by Jean Feraca & Lyubomir Levchev (ed. Dominick Fernow)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FILMS WATCHED IN 2009
01. Solaris (Tarkovsky, 1972)
02. Solaris (Soderbergh, 2002)
03. Funny Games (Haneke, 1997)
04. Funny Games (Haneke, 2007)
05. Hitler - ein Film aus Deutschland (Syberberg, 1977)
06. Sweet Movie (Makavejev, 1974)
07. Fantastic Mr. Fox (Anderson, 2009)
08. The Road (Hillcoat, 2009)
09. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (Bay, 2009)
10. Herz aus Glas (Herzog, 1976)
11. Tetsuo: The Iron Man (Tsukamoto, 1989)
12. Tetsuo II: Body Hammer (Tuskamoto, 1992)
13. River's Edge (Hunter, 1986)
14. Over The Edge (Kaplan, 1979)
15. Possession (Żuławski, 1981)
16. Lair of the White Worm (Russell, 1988)
17. The Devils (Russell, 1971)
18. Silent Tongue (Shepard, 1994)
19. Army of Shadows (Melville, 1969)
20. Vampyr (Dreyer, 1932)
21. People Who Do Noise (Cornelius, 2008)
22. Until The Light Takes Us (Aites & Ewell, 2008)
23. Buffalo '66 (Gallo, 1998)
24. The Brown Bunny (Gallo, 2004)
25. Trouble Every Day (Denis, 2001)
26. Mister Lonely (Korine, 2007)
27. Lost (Young & Zivich, 2009)
28. Woman In The Dunes (Teshigahara, 1964)
29. Ran (Kurosawa, 1985)
30. Zardoz (Boorman, 1974)
31. Weekend (Godard, 1967)
32. Matthew Barney: No Restraint (Chernick, 2006)
33. American Psycho (Harron, 2000)
34. Ulysses (Strick, 1967)
35. Cannibal Holocaust (Deodato, 1985)
36. Frisk (Verow, 1996)
36. Tom Horn (Wiard, 1980)
37. Jungfrukällan (Bergman, 1960)
38. After Hours (Scorsese, 1985)
39. Peeping Tom (Powell, 1960)
40. The Ruling Class (Medak, 1972)
41. Sunshine (Boyle, 2007)
42. The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser (Herzog, 1975)
43. Woyzeck (Herzog, 1976)
44. Stroszek (Herzog, 1977)
45. Vernon, Florida (Morris, 1981)
46. Mr. Death: Fred A. Leuchter, Jr. (Morris, 1999)
47. Andrei Rublev (Tarkovsky, 1966)
48. Fata Morgana (Herzog, 1977)
49. Visioneers (Drake, 2007)
50. The Third Man (Reed, 1949)
51. Jigoku (Nakagawa, 1960)
52. If... (Anderson, 1968)
53. Harakiri (Kobayashi, 1962)
54. Eyes Without A Face (Franju, 1959)
55. Cat In The Brain (Fulci, 1990)
56. Hellraiser (Barker, 1987)
57. Hellbound: Hellraiser II (Randel, 1988)
58. The Wicker Man (Hardy, 1973)
59. Phenomena (Argento, 1985)
60. Re-animator (Gordon, 1985)
61. Four Flies On Grey Velvet (Argento, 1971)
62. Gumnaam (Nawathe, 1965)
63. The Castle (Haneke, 1997)
64. Pola X (Carax, 2000)
65. M (Lang, 1931)
66. Hell's Highway (Wood, 2003)
67. Jubilee (Jarman, 1977)
68. Secret Honor (Altman, 1984)
69. Paradise Lost: Child Murders At Robin Hood (Berlinger, 1996)
70. Videodrome (Cronenberg, 1983)
71. Fire Walk With Me (Lynch, 1992)
72. Industial Symphony no. 1: The Dream of the Broken-Hearted (Lynch, 1990)
73. Angeli Bianchi, Angeli Neri (Scattini, 1970)
74. Werewolves on Wheels (Levesque, 1971)
75. Inferno (Argento, 1980)
76. Mother of Tears (Argento, 2007)
77. Mystics in Bali (Djalil, 1981)
78. Alucarda (Moctezuma, 1978)
79. The Mansion of Madness (Moctezuma, 1973)
80. The Phantom Carriage (Sjostrom, 1929)
81. The Burmese Harp (Ichikawa, 1956)
82. Invasion of Thunderbolt Pagoda (Cohen, 1968)
83. Antichrist (Von Trier, 2009)
84. Network (Lumet, 1976)
85. Taken (Morel, 2009)
86. Coraline (Selick, 2009)
87. Watchmen (Snyder, 2009)
88. Star Trek (Abrams, 2009)
89. Terminator Salvation (McG, 2009)
90. District 9 (Blomkamp, 2009)
91. Inglorious Basterds (Tarantino, 2009)

FROZEN TO DEATH

2009-12-19T15:32:00.004-05:00

Caethua - "Queen of the Ice"
Dead Raven Choir - "December"
Prurient - "December Man"
Death In June - "Break The Black Ice" (Zagreb 8OCT92)
Sequentia Ensemble - "Leikr elds ok ísa (The song of fire and ice)"
NON - "Eternal Ice"
Demons - "Frozen Fog (side B)"
Ubaldo Continiello - "Frozen Terror"
Kronos Quartet + Mogwai - "First Snow"
Galaxie 500 - "Snowstorm"
KTL - "Snow 2"
Kevin Drumm - "Snow"
Grouper - "Wind and Snow"
Infinite Body - "Repeating Snow Cathedral"
Nico - "Roses In The Snow"
Jandek - "Frosted Field"
Moondog - "Frost Flower"
Keiji Hanio - "A temporary freezing of the time axis that turns at the end ..."
Robert Turman + Aaron Dilloway - "Blizzard IV"
Jamie Stewart - "Hypothermia Delusions and Hallucinations"
Merzbow - "Minus Zero"
Mount Eerie - "Cold Mountain Song 286"
Sutcliffe Jügend + Prurient - "End of Autumn"
Sunn O))) - "Cursed Realms (of the Winterdemons)"
John Wiese - "Winter Vacation"
Scott Walker - "Winter Night"
Striborg - "Permafrost Forest"
Dana Kaproff - "Chiller" (with narration)

DOWNLOAD

WOMB

2009-12-17T20:21:00.003-05:00

some accomplishments

2009-12-15T23:18:00.003-05:00

- photograph used on rear cover of The Observer by Mecca Normal (Kill Rock Stars, 2006)
- booked US/Ontario tour using mainly DIY / Myspace connections
- recorded / produced / packaged / released thirty individual releases of music 2004-2009
- played shows with Realicide, James Jackson Toth, Larkin Grimm, Darsombra, et. al.
- pepper-sprayed by DC riot police
- walked inside a dormant volcano
- snorkeled at the Great Barrier Reef
- protested an HRC Gala dinner
- cassettes carried in Hospital Productions (NYC) and Aquarius Records (San Francisco), among others.
- saw Jandek perform live
- received / performed oral sex under the Aurora Borealis (Fairbanks, AK 2007)
- survived open heart surgery at 16 months old

THE DECADE IN MUSIC

2009-12-12T17:45:00.001-05:00

As the first decade of the aughts draws to a close, I figured I would do a quick write-up on my personal 100 best releases from 2000-2009, which is in fact a decade if you count out the years from 00 to 09. These are ordered as best as I could, but try not to get too upset if you think no.50 should have been no.47 or something, okay?
crossposted at Big Ears Analysis Report Daily

100. Kala by M.I.A. (XL, 2007)
99. 13 or So People Who Need Chances by Vollmar (Bluesanct, 2004)
98. The Letting Go by Bonnie 'Prince' Billy (Drag City, 2006)
97. Island Diamonds by Pocahaunted (Arbor/Not Not Fun, 2008)
96. The Greatest by Cat Power (Matador, 2006)
95. Turn on the Bright Lights by Interpol (Matador, 2002)
94. Vespertine by Björk (Elektra, 2001)
93. Accumulation: None by (Smog) (Drag City, 2002)
92. Getty Address by The Dirty Projectors (Western Vinyl, 2005)
91. Advisory Committee by Mirah (K, 2002)
90. Has A Good Home by Final Fantasy (◘◘◘◘◘◘ Recording Club, 2005)
89. Stories For Owls by Badgerlore (Free Porcupine Society, 2005)
88. Nukkuu by Lau Nau (Locust, 2008)
87. Wind's Poem by Mount Eerie (P.W. Elverum & Sun ltd., 2009)
86. All Reflections Drained by Xasthur (Hydra Head, 2009)
85. Crosses/Spenking by Viking Moses!/Spencer Kingman (Marriage, 2005)
84. And Their Refinement Of The Decline by Stars of the Lid (Kranky, 2007)
83. Holy Holy by Lightning Paw (Now Hereness, 2007)
82. On Vacation by The Robot Ate Me (Swim Slowly/5 Rue Christine, 2004/2005)
81. At All Ends by Yellow Swans (Weird Forest/Load, 2007)
80. Cask Strength Black Metal by Dead Raven Choir (Weird Forest/Supernal, 2007)
79. the Pissmop LP by Yellow Tears (Hospital Productions, 2008)
78. Descension Yellow Swans by Descension Yellow Swans (Acuarela, 2007)
77. At Rear House by Woods (Woodsist/Troubleman Unlimited, 2007)
76. Tout Seul Dans La Forêt En Plein Jour, Avez-Vous Peur? by Woelv (K, 2007)
75. Medúlla by Björk (Elektra, 2004)
74. Fantastic Illusions Worth Dying For by Assacre (Awthum, 2005)
73. Swimming Back To Shore Without Me by Bunkbed (Turn, 2002)
72. Guitar Trio Is My Life! by Rhys Chatham, et al (Radium, 2008)
71. The Observer by Mecca Normal (Kill Rock Stars, 2006)
70. Pamplemoussi by Geneviève Castrée (L'Oie De Cravan, 2004)
69. He Poos Clouds by Final Fantasy (Tomlab, 2006)
68. Embittered Darkness / Isle De Morts by Striborg (Displeased/Southern Lord, 2006)
67. Shrine To The Possessor by Robedoor (Music Fellowship, 2008)
66. Sleep Has His House by Current 93 (Durtro, 2000)
65. Plays the Book of Revelations by NVH/Chasny (Yik Yak/Zum, 2005)
64. The Music From Matthew Barney's Drawing Restraint 9 by Björk (One Little Indian US, 2005)
63. Defixiones - Will And Testament by Diamanda Galás (Mute, 2003)
62. Five Electrical Walks by Christina Kubisch (Important, 2007)
61. Yahweh Or The Highway by Arab on Radar (Skin Graft, 2001)
60. Devil If You Can Hear Me by Heather Leigh Murray (Not Not Fun, 2007)
59. Black Blues (violent) by Keji Hanio (Les Disques Du Soleil Et De L'Acier, 2004)
58. A Gate Through Bloodstained Mirrors by Xasthur (Hydra Head, 2007)
57. Beasts Will Have You by Law of the Rope (Not Not Fun, 2008)
56. ( ) by Sigur Rós (FatCat, 2002)
55. Wide by Grouper (Free Porcupine Society, 2006)
54. Way Their Crept by Grouper (Free Porcupine Society, 2005)
53. Helder by Annelies Monseré (Bluesanct, 2005)
52. The Tired Sounds Of... by Stars of the Lid (Kranky, 2001)
51. Black Blues (soft) by Keji Hanio (Les Disques Du Soleil Et De L'Acier, 2004)
50. Horses in the Sky by Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra + Tra-La-La Band (Constellation, 2005)
49. The Glow, pt. 2 by The Microphones (K, 2001)
48. Nefaria / A Tragic Journey Towards The Light by Striborg (Displeased/Southern Lord, 2006/2007)
47. Macy's Day Bird / Black With Green Leaves by Diane Cluck (Important, 2006)
46. Creepshow by Xiu Xiu vs. Grouper (States Rights/Slender Means Society, 2006)
45. Recurring Dream And Apocalypse Of Darkness by Acid Mothers Temple & The Melting Paraiso U.F.O. (Important, 2008)
44. Shalabi Effect by Shalabi Effect (Alien8 Recordings, 2000)
43. Sings Reign Rebuilder by Set Fire To Flames (Alien8, 2001)
42. Slaves' Graves & Ballads by the Dirty Projectors (Western Vinyl, 2004)
41. Wonderful Rainbow by Lightning Bolt (Load, 2003)
40. Always Wrong by Wolf Eyes (Hospital Productions, 2009)
39. End of Autumn by Sutcliffe Jügend / Prurient (Troubleman Unlimited, 2008)
38. Amlux by Merzbow (Important Records, 2002)
37. Black Ships Ate The Sky by Current 93 (Durtro, 2006)
36. Thanksgiving by Thanksgiving (P.W. Elverum & Sun ltd., 2005)
35. Good World by The Robot Ate Me (5 Rue Christine, 2006)
34. Bleak 1999 by Tomas Jirku (No Type, 2003)
33. He Has Left Us Alone but Shafts of Light Sometimes Grace the Corner of Our Rooms… by A Silver Mt. Zion (Constellation, 2000)
32. III by Darkspace (Avantgarde Music, 2008)
31. Reveal'd To None As Yet - An Expedience To Utterly Vanquish Consciousness While Still Alive by Keiji Haino (aRCHIVE/Important, 2006)
30. The Golden Chamber by Prurient (Hospital Productions, 2007))
29. Rose Pillar by Prurient (Heartworm Press, 2009)
28. Dømkirke by Sunn O))) (Southern Lord, 2008)
27. Rotting Nepal by Aaron Dilloway (Hanson Records/Blossoming Noise, 2005/2006)
26. An Evil Heat by Oxbow (Neurot, 2002)
25. Merzzow by Merzbow (Opposite Records, 2002)
24. Nobody's Ugly by Consumer Electronics (No Fun Productions, 2007)
23. Worthless Recluse by Jandek (Corwood Industries, 2001)
22. The Rose Has Teeth in the Mouth of a Beast by Matmos (Matador, 2007)
21. Didn't It Rain by Songs: Ohia (Secretly Canadian, 2002)
20. Fabulous Muscles by Xiu Xiu (5 Rue Christine, 2004)
19. Desert Doughnuts by Metallic Falcons (Voodoo Eros, 2006)
18. Mi and L'au by Mi and L'au (Young God, 2005)
17. Bird Seed by Whitehouse (Susan Lawly, 2003)
16. Operation Hummingbird by Death In June (Ner/Tesco, 2000)
15. No Flashlight by Mount Eerie (P.W. Elverum & Sun ltd., 2006)
14. Ágætis Byrjun by Sigur Rós (FatCat, 2000)
13. Birth Canal Blues by Current 93 (Jnana/Durtro/Coptic Cat, 2008)
12. Children of the Black Sun by Non (Mute, 2002)
11. Cruise by Whitehouse (Susan Lawly, 2001)
10. Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven by Godspeed You Black Emperor! (Constellation, 2000)
09. Welcome Nowhere by Thanksgiving (P.W. Elverum & Sun ltd., 2004)
08. Black One by Sunn O))) (Southern Lord, 205)
07. Manhattan Tuesday by Jandek (Corwood Industries, 2007)
06. Black Vase by Prurient (Load, 2005)
05. Human Animal by Wolf Eyes (Sub Pop, 2006)
04. Mount Eerie by The Microphones (K, 2003)
03. A Promise by Xiu Xiu (5 Rue Christine, 2003)
02. Dragging a Dead Deer Up a Hill by Grouper (Type, 2008)
01. The Drift by Scott Walker (4AD, 2006)

ONE MORE NEW WORK

2009-12-08T18:49:00.003-05:00

"Apocalypse of Adam" (collage, 2009)

THREE NEW WORKS

2009-12-07T14:28:00.002-05:00

"a Passion Play" (mixed media collage, 2009)

"Nephilim" (mixed-media collage, 2009)

"Caput Eterna" (collage, 2009)

CRITICISM

2009-12-04T17:52:00.007-05:00

I really have no clue why I care at all anymore. Wait, back up.
Brandon Hilton is going to be at a gay bar in Greenville, SC tonight. Apparently this is making all the 90lb. queens in the area shit themselves with glee. I honestly have no idea why. I think you can build a career out of satire, but blatantly copying people out of "respect" (e.g. lack of creative individuality) seems like a piss-poor way to get ahead in life.

Ugh, stop, start over.
What I mean is that all the Adam Lamberts, Brandon Hiltons, Jeffree Stars are hurting everything. By everything I mean concepts like queer visibility, queer identity, queer arts, etc. I know, I sound like a rampant segregationist. Truth is, if I got along better with most queers, I would like the idea as more than a conceptual framework. I digress.

Adam Lambert is an American Idol winner. So he can sing other people's music well. He can do what a choreographer tells him to do, well. That's not very fucking impressive. A grinder monkey dances when the organ plays. This is just upper-level conditioning. Um.

Brandon Hilton (legally / formerly Brandon Barnett) is a thorn in my side because he is from Spartanburg. He goes out in the world and attempts to become an "artist," a "musician," a "model," and he implements these goals by basically imitating Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Jeffree Star, and probably Adam Lambert now that he's hot-shit at the moment.

Meanwhile, chain-smoking, stocky faggot makes aggressive noise-music, releases over 30 individual albums with his own money and effort, and will probably never have the sort of sneering name-recognition that wispy, glitter-clad queens get. I can't even seem to meet a guy that I genuinely get interested in (let alone attracted to), but my Myspace home-page is aflutter with talk of "OMG BRANDON HILTON LOL." Must I die alone? God, this is too angry.

Start over:
Queer visibility should not be measured in terms of "but Adam Lambert was at the A.M.A. in 2009." I prefer the Fight Club approach to these sorts of topics; allow me to quote the Jim Uhls screenplay:

Look.
The people you are after
are the people you depend on.
We cook your meals. We haul your trash.
We connect your calls.
We drive your ambulances.
We guard you while you sleep.
Do not fuck with us.

LOOK. When the Mukilteo Fairies screamed "We are Not Your Entertainers" on Rock Stars Kill coll (Kill Rock Stars 1994), they meant that, "Yeah, ha ha, look at the faggot play piano, look at the dyke play guitar. Fuck You. We are not grinder monkeys. We are not court jesters. We are human and we are fucking dangerous." Now, go ask just about any gay guy you know if he's ever heard of Joshua Plague, Scott Free, Mukilteo Fairies, Behold The Prophet No Lord Shall Live, or the Lords of Lightspeed. (note: if he says yes, give him my number or email)

I am not arguing for the supremacy of one genre over another (though I think it is fair to say that what passes for "pop" nowadays is mostly schlock and drivel). What I am arguing for is for queers of all stripes to stop being so goddamn fucking typical. "Oh, let me write an electro-pop love song. Oh, let me just repeat one line of auto-tuned lyrics over and over again, with a painfully '90s era trance line in the background." Yeah great, you're gay and skinny and might I also mention Caucasian and, lo and behold, I feel like I'm watching the fax machine from Hell set to "copy" instead of "send."

MANIFESTO:
1. Artists such as Jeffree Star, Brandon Hilton, Adam Lambert, et. al., do nothing positive for queer visibility.
2. Prior parties are responsible for detrimentally inhibiting the careers and actions of queer individuals who do not fulfill stereotypical roles.
3. Prior parties are, in fact, perpetrating discriminatory actions by furthering queer stereotypes to heterosexual peoples.
4. Prior parties are, in fact, ghettoizing their peers by further dividing a marginalized people among lines of being "queer" and "not queer enough," based on socially constructed concepts such as clothing, salary, career, and interests.

ADDENDUM:
I would like to know why gay bars refuse to book anyone other than Drag Queens and DJs. To me, a "gay bar" would be the perfect place to give open / queer performers of all kinds (poets, writers, musicians, artists) a stage at least twice a month. "Regular" bars very often have open mic nights, art installations (even if only photographs on a wall), and special events. However, gay bars, as far as I have experienced, do not have any sort of interest in having events that do not promote kitsch or house music. (Prove me wrong, oh please)

FOOTAGE

2009-11-29T11:43:00.005-05:00

"Unto the pure, all things are pure...
but unto them that are defiled is nothing pure,
but even their mind and conscience is defiled."
— Titus 1:15, The Holy Bible

ART INSTALLATION (concept)

2009-11-18T08:44:00.004-05:00

connect as many Audible Disease SB-1 as possible on the floor of an art gallery (like bricks). have them run straight into a PA system. Cover them with a bracing of wood and glass (fiberglass?), allowing people to walk directly over the pedals, without worrying about cables, knocking them over, tripping, etc. Bright lights directly overhead. As people walk around looking at art, the constantly shifting amounts of light will create an organic, pulsating square-wave drone. Walk around handing people leaflets that say This Is The Sound Of People Looking At Art.

here is Xome using the SB-1 (0:10 - 3:45):

On Cassettes

2009-11-16T20:50:00.004-05:00

I can't even begin to enumerate how often someone has approached me at a show, picked up a release or two and remarked, "oh my god, they still make cassettes?"

...cue the disappointment, oncoming thought "you aren't going to be a customer."

The simple answer is that they never stopped. Cassettes stopped being a commercially viable medium, true, but production never halted, despite what blogs like MusicThing claimed in 2005. The problem is that CDs are much cheaper to produce, generally hold more information, and are a much more versatile format in our current digital age.

The difficult answer actually has nothing to do with the surface question of production, but rather the occasional, secondary follow-up: "Why do you still use cassettes?"

On the surface, continued use of cassette tapes is a nostalgia, the same as continued (and growing) interest in vinyl records. However, more than kitsch is working here.

There's a very large culture of cassette tapes in the "indie" / "alternative" music world. I'm not talking Indie like The Strokes, and Alternative like Band of Horses, but rather independent and outside-the-box. Specifically, the noise genre is mostly issued on cassette tapes; at least that's a wager I'm willing to make.

John Olson's American Tapes, Heath Moerland's Fag Tapes, Goaty Tapes, Aaron Dilloway's Hanson Records (majority cassette releases), Dominick Fernow's Hospital Productions, Nate Young's AA Records, etc.: all make use of the cassette format, though certainly to differing ends. Olson's releases often border on dangerous pieces of sculpture / scrap metal / trash / medieval weapon, while Fernow's cassette releases are usually issued in limited runs of 30 or so, making them nearly impossible to track down, unless you're at a Prurient show (or damn lucky enough to be online when they go on sale).

So, part of it is aesthetic. The small cell-phone sized box that holds music and art. The often intricate artwork that has been forgotten for single-sided jewel-case inserts. The additions to the packaging in the form of rhinestones, twine, a felt pouch, animal hide, barb wire, and on and on. When was the last time you bought a CD that has relatively interesting packaging? Not artwork, but packaging. Sure, Dig Shovel Dig used to offer their second CDr housed in a dirty sock, and die-cuts and digipaks make for interesting variety, but not to the same degree that, I would argue, cassette tapes tend to provide. Smaller format provides more space for improvisation in packaging. I have cassettes that have faux jewels glued to their cases, have come in felt sacks with animal bones tied to them, arrive in cloth ghosts.

The major part of cassette tapes that I would like to argue for is that they serve as an impartial sound engineer. Unless Warner Brothers is paying for you to go to a studio, and they are explicitly going to release your album on cassette tape, I can almost guarantee that a cassette release will not sound nearly as polished as a CDr, and even then I'm skeptical. Don't mistake "polished" as a shiny synonym for "good," though. You can get silence out of a compact disc. A cassette will never give you silence. No matter how high-end your player, no matter how crisp the production, a cassette tape produces a gloriously warm hiss simply by running over the head. CDs are read by light, meaning there's no physical decay caused by playing the disc. A tape actually is rubbed silent over time. After long enough, a tape will decay. Just try to create The Disintegration Loops using CDs.

For those of you shouting, "see, CDs are better," take a CD and a cassette tape out to your driveway or the street or somewhere with gravel. Drop them repeatedly; let's say ten times each. Now, tell me which one still plays flawlessly. No, seriously, I can wait.

Decay is not a sign of weakness, but of life. That being said, a cassette tape can stand up to far more physical punishment than a CD can. A tape can sit in direct sunlight for longer without warping. A tape can be run over with a car and have a better chance of playing (trust me). You can drop tapes all day and you might crack the shell, but I doubt it.

Point being, even if you record music onto a laptop for mixing purposes, transferring the digital onto the analog warms the sound. I'm sure I could argue this distinction all day, that actually the sound is downgraded in quality, but where as a CD leaves very little to the imagination (without some fancy mixing), a cassette tape hides lows and crunches highs; silence becomes a death-rattle, and the brightest tones are given the once-over like a prize fighter past his prime.

AT ALL THE BEST PARTIES

2009-11-12T18:53:00.003-05:00

I made my preferences clear
to you,
and you made yours
outstandingly,
too much so (personally),
but i tried to catch your ear
with talk of Cage
and Cunningham
and Mishima
but all you cared to shriek
was Elton-that
and Ellen-this,
though still
i was willing,
get it out of my system
or attempt to infect you with my longing
or prove i could,
so when i see you making out with her,
"i like making out when i'm drunk,"
and i'm standing in a corner,
combating a line of expectant women
that would make any breeder blush,
they're bursting with desire
and intention
and want,
all barely concealed
behind a membrane
of sultry eyes
and painted lips,
and i'm absolutely sure
that i am uglier than ever.

MOVIES

2009-11-11T01:19:00.003-05:00

Billy Gaffney (1923 - 1927)

2009-11-10T16:44:00.003-05:00

A child named Billy Gaffney was playing in the hallway outside of his family's apartment in Brooklyn with his friend, Billy Beaton, on February 11, 1927. Both of the boys disappeared, but the friend was found on the roof of the apartment house. When asked what happened to Gaffney, Beaton said "the boogey man took him." Initially Peter Kudzinowski was a suspect in the boy's murder. Then, Joseph Meehan, a motorman on a Brooklyn trolley, saw a picture of Fish in the newspaper and identified him as the old man that he saw February 11, 1927, who was trying to quiet a little boy sitting with him on the trolley. The boy was not wearing a jacket and was crying for his mother and was dragged by the man on and off the trolley. Police matched the description of the child to Billy Gaffney. Gaffney's body was never recovered. Gaffney's mother visited Fish in Sing Sing to try to get more details of her son's death. Fish confessed the following:

I brought him to the Riker Ave. dumps. There is a house that stands alone, not far from where I took him. I took the boy there. Stripped him naked and tied his hands and feet and gagged him with a piece of dirty rag I picked out of the dump. Then I burned his clothes. Threw his shoes in the dump. Then I walked back and took the trolley to 59 St. at 2 A.M. and walked from there home. Next day about 2 P.M., I took tools, a good heavy cat-of-nine tails. Home made. Short handle. Cut one of my belts in half, slit these halves in six strips about 8 inches long. I whipped his bare behind till the blood ran from his legs. I cut off his ears – nose – slit his mouth from ear to ear. Gouged out his eyes. He was dead then. I stuck the knife in his belly and held my mouth to his body and drank his blood. I picked up four old potato sacks and gathered a pile of stones. Then I cut him up. I had a grip with me. I put his nose, ears and a few slices of his belly in the grip. Then I cut him through the middle of his body. Just below the belly button. Then through his legs about 2 inches below his behind. I put this in my grip with a lot of paper. I cut off the head – feet – arms – hands and the legs below the knee. This I put in sacks weighed with stones, tied the ends and threw them into the pools of slimy water you will see all along the road going to North Beach. I came home with my meat. I had the front of his body I liked best. His monkey and pee wees and a nice little fat behind to roast in the oven and eat. I made a stew out of his ears – nose – pieces of his face and belly. I put onions, carrots, turnips, celery, salt and pepper. It was good. Then I split the cheeks of his behind open, cut off his monkey and pee wees and washed them first. I put strips of bacon on each cheek of his behind and put them in the oven. Then I picked 4 onions and when the meat had roasted about 1/4 hour, I poured about a pint of water over it for gravy and put in the onions. At frequent intervals I basted his behind with a wooden spoon. So the meat would be nice and juicy. In about 2 hours, it was nice and brown, cooked through. I never ate any roast turkey that tasted half as good as his sweet fat little behind did. I ate every bit of the meat in about four days. His little monkey was a sweet as a nut, but his pee-wees I could not chew. Threw them in the toilet.

I.K.C. / I.D.F.

2009-11-09T17:52:00.003-05:00

This is why events unnerve me
They find it all, a different story
Notice whom for wheels are turning
Turn again and turn towards this time
All she ask's the strength to hold me
Then again the same old story
Word will travel, oh so quickly
Travel first and lean towards this time

Oh, I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time
Watching her, these things she said
The times she cried
Too frail to wake this time

Oh, I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time
Avenues all lined with trees
Picture me and then you start watching
Watching forever, forever
Watching love grow, forever
Letting me know, forever. (1980)

Naked as an idol
Banned
I am lying under palm leaves
Buried alive
Infinite sky
Preoccupied by other things
Does one live on
After it's over
Or is there some other way of existence
Or do only invisible traces of us remain
What does one do in paradise?
White
Solitary universe
Paths are quickly overgrown
Wounds never close
Under the palm trees of Eden
Buried the utopia
The flower of the sun
Fill up with oblivion
Like honeycombs
A calvary horse
Harness the dark wheel
Spins the world's wheel again. (2007/2009)

∞

2009-11-09T14:29:00.003-05:00

I draw a bath
and climb in with a book
in one hand
and try to get the water
as hot as possible,
until all my pores expand
and i can pour the pages
into me,
absorb them
and be better,
be smarter,
and be perfect
and immortal.

This will just have to get heavy

2009-11-02T17:46:00.006-05:00

I saw your face
at least three times
last night:

1. that guy who runs track that i pass on campus

(and i think about telling him every time i see him, but that's probably weird, to have a random guy come up to you and say "you look exactly like my ex that probably raped me")

2. actually you
3. the kid who played "Tim" in "Horror Hospital Unplugged"

inter-cut between dreams
of my dog dying
of my mother sucking my cock
while my father watched
but said nothing
from my doorway
and then your face again
and you crawling next to me
and waking me up
and fucking me
in the bed you didn't share
and lately i realize
that was probably sexual abuse
and that was probably rape
and at the very least
that was nonconsensual
since no one (you) asked (me)
if i wanted to have sex at 3am
before i got up for work at six.

2009

SOUND WORKS (nov 1 + 2, 2009)

2009-11-02T11:56:00.001-05:00

Selected works from the latter half of 2009

2009-11-01T15:48:00.004-05:00

"Hierba de la Flecha (Jagüey)"

"The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (collapsing marble columns)"

"Incantation (for cello and voice)"